No blog entries since October. I didn't realise it had been that long.
I guess things were not so great. Which is a euphemism. Things were bad. My head was in a bad place and I was thinking about dying a lot. There. Said it. To the internet.

I kept on getting sick since November-ish. Every virus doing the rounds came straight for me. Fighting off another one now. Just an annoying runny nose left. Gastroenteritis just before Xmas, now THAT sucked.

And I'm the reason that its happening. That my system is run down and vulnerable. Because I hate myself and my body and don't eat regularly. Was doing a bit better on that front a few weeks back and then I started feeling fat again. See, its the feeling of my thighs touching in bed. Absolutely cannot stand it. And well, I go back to not eating.

Had some mdma a month ago. Not the first time I tried it but still. OH. MY.
The next day I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I wasn't thinking about dying, and that's not such a nice realization.
The boyfriend recently hinted at doing some more. But this morning I had the sneakiest, most evil, bastard of a thought. How would it feel to cut while under the influence?
On a scale of one to ten of stupid ideas this is an eleven. But I can't unthink it. And I don't know how the stupidity creeps in. Why would I even think of that.
Note to self: Behave you stupid little girl. That can only go badly.

Somehow, despite my head, things are a bit better today.

These thoughts have been wreaking havoc round the inside of my head, and I think I just need to get them out. Haven't been sleeping well again, so maybe I just need a decent nights sleep.

Been thinking that I want to kill myself again. Whoop di do.
What's new is that I'm compromising. I have this perfect little plan, and it puts things off a bit, gives me time to reconsider etc, relatively safe. But now I'm thinking maybe it doesn't have to be like that. I'll probably be disappointed with my chosen location anyway because I've put it on such a pedestal, so why bother? And how arrogant am I to think I could arrange all the little details so perfectly so no one looks for me. At least for a while. Stupid. If I'm going to be hurting people anyway does it matter how I do it. Who the hell am I to decide for others what hurts them more. Maybe they'd prefer to know.
These thoughts make things difficult when I have a blade to my skin and am looking for a reason not to. Not at home - I don't want my boyfriend to find me like that. So I could drive my car off a bridge. Possibly be considered an accident. But what a waste of my car. But then it's just a car.
I don't know how I got here. It feels like I'm supposed to have drive, motivation, a reason to continue. Or I just need to think less.

Crazy sounds quite reasonable in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm just tired.

Still no sleep.

I've given up and gotten out of bed.

This is getting ridiculous.

I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. Its been light and very interrupted so it feels like I haven't slept at all.

The not eating thing may be getting out of hand. I have this thing to go to on Friday which I have to wear a dress for. I got quite a shock when I tried on my dresses and most of them don't fit. And the 2 that do look terrible. I keep losing weight and I find myself obsessing over it. Then I swing between thinking its a problem and thinking no its fine, I'm fine. I'm 26. Surely I'm too old for this $#%^.

Then there's the SH urges. There was nothing for a good while, and then a few tough moments where I got a blade out, dug the edge of it into my arm, and then thought I don't want to do this I don't want to do this I don't want to do this. And I haven't. So far. But its been getting harder.

Tears well up in my eyes, I can feel the salty bastards sitting there, but try as I may I cannot force them out.

Even though I am alone and no one is around to witness this weakness (I would hate that) and I know that it would be a release, I still cannot make it happen.

I feel stupid for wanting to, but not being able to is incredibly frustrating. I wish I could get it out and be done with it. But my eyes always dry up and I'm left with a runny nose. How does one lose the ability to cry?