These thoughts have been wreaking havoc round the inside of my head, and I think I just need to get them out. Haven't been sleeping well again, so maybe I just need a decent nights sleep.
Been thinking that I want to kill myself again. Whoop di do.
What's new is that I'm compromising. I have this perfect little plan, and it puts things off a bit, gives me time to reconsider etc, relatively safe. But now I'm thinking maybe it doesn't have to be like that. I'll probably be disappointed with my chosen location anyway because I've put it on such a pedestal, so why bother? And how arrogant am I to think I could arrange all the little details so perfectly so no one looks for me. At least for a while. Stupid. If I'm going to be hurting people anyway does it matter how I do it. Who the hell am I to decide for others what hurts them more. Maybe they'd prefer to know.
These thoughts make things difficult when I have a blade to my skin and am looking for a reason not to. Not at home - I don't want my boyfriend to find me like that. So I could drive my car off a bridge. Possibly be considered an accident. But what a waste of my car. But then it's just a car.
I don't know how I got here. It feels like I'm supposed to have drive, motivation, a reason to continue. Or I just need to think less.
Crazy sounds quite reasonable in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm just tired.