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pixi3
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Its been a long time
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Serious talks

Permanent Linkby pixi3 on Mon Aug 17, 2015 2:44 pm

The boyfriend and I had a bit of a chat yesterday. We don't do the serious thing very often.

I know he's been feeling a bit stuck lately, and is quite stressed out over a few big deals, and so is working crazy hours. In classic me-fashion, I have been trying to hide how ###$ up my brain is ATM so as not to put any extra strain on him. Or maybe its not quite so noble and that's just what I do. Hide the messy bits. Sweep it under the rug. Up to this point I had thought I was doing a decent job of it. Ha!

He sort of came to me yesterday and hugged me and wouldn't let me go. When I finally managed to get him to talk to me, it turns out he has also been stressing about me. That he sees how much strain I've been taking lately, and has been feeling powerless to help me. That he felt useless with the episode with my mother. And now he's worried that with all the negativity I might go back to my old habits.

Ok, so first off, that night with my mother he did the best possible thing he could've done, and I told him so. I'm hoping he understood that. He did not let me go alone, he stayed with me and he didn't say anything. Oh, and he didn't argue when I insisted that I drive us home afterwards. I needed something to do/focus on at that point in time, or I would have crumbled, and he got that. Or I'm just scary in that mood and not to be messed with, idk. He comes from a nice, normal, STABLE family, so I hate that he had to see just how ###$ up mine is. But he was there for me and he didn't push me to talk about it afterwards. That is HUGE to me.

Next, "my old habits"... I knew exactly what he was referring to but asked what he meant anyway. He deflected and I didn't push any further. CUTTING. Its not a dirty word. But he still can't say it. He's happier to stick with euphemisms and I'm happier not to talk about it altogether. If he had asked directly I would've had to admit that I have slipped up in recent times. That it never really went away, and maybe it never will. This would serve no purpose other than to upset him, so I'm glad we left it at that.

Clearly, the cracks have been showing in my little 'coping' façade. I did admit to him a few days ago that I've been smoking again, but also told him that its actually kind of a good thing as it gets me away from a screen and forces me to go outside and switch off for a few minutes at a time. Which is true. I also tried to ease his mind a bit by saying that it could just be the winter that's getting me down. I've been considering this recently and it could be a part of it.

I hope it helped. I am not supposed to be an added source of stress to him! Not now. Not when he already has so much going on.

So now I'm pissed off at myself and the paranoid part of me goes into overdrive.

What made him think of the cutting? Could he be checking what websites I visit? He is miles ahead of me in terms of technology, and at home he set up a firewall pc, so is the 'incognito' function of my browser effectively useless? I have flat out refused to show him what I'm looking at on my tablet a few times now, and he's not been too happy about it. The only thing I'm hiding is my being on psychforums. He would spot my nick in a heartbeat, which would be a disaster for both of us. I don't want him to see the darker corners of my mind.

Would he ever break my trust like that?
And if he did would it be my fault for keeping things from him the first place?
Am I terrible for thinking like this?
Is it paranoia if its entirely possible?

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Today sucked

Permanent Linkby pixi3 on Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:19 pm

Had to take my mother's gun away from her. She wanted to use it on herself. Talked her into calming down, and going to sleep for the night. I was angry at first but now I'm not feeling anything. Hope I can keep it this way.

1 Comment Viewed 5428 times

tired

Permanent Linkby pixi3 on Thu Aug 06, 2015 3:13 pm

I wish my brain would just decide on one mood and stick with it. If I'm going to be hopeless, then make it properly hopeless and leave it at that. Don't feed me little snippets of hope and then take it away all the time.

I didn't sleep much last night. Or the night before.
I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. But I did.
I didn't want to go to work. But I did.
I look like crap and I know it, but I showered, got dressed and got my ass to work to pretend to be a normal functional person.

It's so strange that all of this is a choice I make, just as I could choose to stay in bed, skip work, switch off my phone. How very tempted I was by the thought of that. And how surprising it is that somehow I did not do exactly that, even though I am so unmotivated.

Eyes that feel as if they would cry, if I would just LET GO. But I don't really know how to. And a mouth that can put on a smile despite this. Easier to do this. Easier to smile and say I'm fine. I don't even think I would know how to tell anyone irl that I am down in the dumps, having thoughts of suicide. Right. No. No point to that and infinitely easier this way. No nagging questions, no concerned faces, just everyone happy and oblivious to my crap.

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Disappointments

Permanent Linkby pixi3 on Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:18 am

I'm bad at talking about disappointments. Recently its something that I didn't even realise I was getting my hopes up for. Its kind of a surprise that I'm this upset about it really. I found out Thursday and didn't manage to speak to the boyfriend about it till Sunday when he asked. He was a bit hurt that I didn't tell him immediately, as its something that would have had a big effect on our lives. Before that I was happily ignoring it.

And yet somehow I managed to console my colleague as we found out. She had tears in her eyes but I put on a smile and told her that it was just to be expected and that there's potentially another way around it. And not to give up hope, even though I know its most likely hopeless. Even though I feel hopeless about it I've convinced her that there may yet be a chance. I don't know if that's a good thing about me or bad. Or if maybe I just hadn't processed it fully at that time that I decided to be positive rather.

But yes, I am disappointed. I am angry. I am bitter about it. And talking about it only made me more keenly aware of it.

2 Comments Viewed 7260 times

Is it okay to be a bit broken

Permanent Linkby pixi3 on Fri Jul 10, 2015 2:23 pm

It doesn't seem like something I can admit to anyone

"I am not okay"

2 Comments Viewed 6787 times

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