I have been misusing pain meds and antihistamines lately. Get the feeling I might be getting a bit dependent on the codeine. But now I've run out of the painkillers and feel crappy and I'm worried about trying to get more in such a short period. These things are monitored even though its otc stuff it gets logged against your name and address.

Been a bit better on the eating thing, but only because I've had no choice. Only really eat when I'm being watched. Boyfriend is getting suspicious. I don't want an ED label, or any label really, and yet I realise that my thought processes around eating are not good, but I can't seem to stop them. It's possibly the control involved that makes me feel better about myself somehow.

Yesterday we went to the movies and I thought great, we can share popcorn and that way he won't know how much or rather little I have. And I can get out of dinner. But then there was chocolate and I had too much of that and the popcorn and now I'm feeling crappy and fat and want to cut. Its every second thought that goes through my head. These urges had subsided the past few days but now they're back with a vengeance. Idiot.

Been feeling unattractive. The boyfriend is showing no interest. I don't know what I'd do even if he did.

All my problems are self made. Probably for that reason that I feel like I shouldn't be posting. Like its disrespectful somehow. It's why half the things I write never make it out. I feel useless.

I've been thinking about death quite a bit recently. Perhaps I don't know how to express this properly, yes I've been in a slump the past bit, but I'm not suicidal at the moment. None of that "I hate the world, and myself, gonna kill myself now" business.
I mean, for the longest time I have held a firm belief that I will die by my own hand. And it still holds strong. I would prefer to choose how I exit. But just not yet apparently.

I used to think that I wouldn't make it past 15. But I did, so that shifted to 20... then 25...
I joke (with myself) that I could still make the 27s club. Ha! No, probably not...
In all likelihood I have a good few years still.

I often wonder if this is my way of tricking myself into carrying on. I'm terrified of getting old and perhaps this is how I'll fool myself into never believing that I am old enough. Just yet.

I've set myself a rule that there's only one place in the world that I'm allowed to off myself. So if/when things get to that point, that's where I must go. And it's half the world away. And I'll need a visa and some careful planning and some tying up of loose ends.
Delays tactics right? Creating some elaborate plan that will be a mission to go through with. Perhaps I'm a bigger fool than I think...
And I have an obsession with that country, meaning I'll have to see the sights before I'm done. And just maybe, through all of that, I will find a way or reason to live. (Potentially as an illegal immigrant in a foreign country )

So. Perhaps its a plan of hope more than it is of death. Who knows.

Then again, of late I find myself refining this plan. Working out some of the nitty gritties that I knew would need consideration but hadn't gotten into until now. Mostly how best to do away with certain attachments and such.

I can't seem to figure out whether I'm safer than I think or not as safe as I think.

For now its better this way. I refuse to get angry. I will give zero fiddlesticks. For my own peace of mind. Me me me me me

Mother dearest called to say she will be taking a little trip to another city. That she feels like running away but that I shouldn't worry. She was expecting some sort of reaction out of me. I had nothing for her. I told her to have a safe flight.

I'm a bit lost as to where the weekend has gone... Seemed to go so quickly and its Monday again. Might be that I've slept long and well for a change the past 2 nights... Might be the codeine.

Not looking forward to work. Then again I'll be alone in the office. Might not be too bad

Right, so here's me hoping my previous blog entry does NOT get approved. I made a comment about pills that sounded suicidal, but thats not what I wanted. Yes, I took some, but just to calm down because I was shaking and to numb myself, not enough to do harm.

I was beyond angry and generally mind ###$ from spending a whole day with my mother. And listening to how the world is against her, and how horrible her family is when all she ever tries to do is help them. Because she's such a ######6 angel. And how her husband drives like a madman just to scare her. And is probably lying about being conned and his bank card stolen and money taken from it. The man was clearly shaken and vulnerable and she was interrogating him. I couldn't watch this and had to pull her away to get her to realise that HE was the victim here and needed her support. But she's always the victim and fighting the good fight for the benefit of society.

I cannot say it to her but I do love her. Or at least I feel like I should because she's blood. I'm just terrified of becoming her.

But I cannot believe that my brother and I survived this woman. As kids she once snapped and chased us with a knife round the house. When she couldn't catch us, she stabbed and ripped open a sofa. She would beat my brother with a belt and once got him badly with the buckle end. I was always such a ######6 goodie two shoes, but one day she was going to hit me and I told her that she couldn't do that anymore. Then it stopped. Somehow it worked. I don't know why. It was before we moved so I was 7 or younger. Who does that to kids?

Its stupid o'clock in the morning again. I'm in a story telling mood, apparently, so here I am explaining a few things about my life.

In varsity I committed a betrayal. Stole my friend's boyfriend. And by betraying this friend I'd had for a year, I lost all the friends I'd had most my life. As they had also become friends with her that year.
By deciding to come clean I had become a pariah. What I had done was despicable and they let me know that. The friend I betrayed told me she didn't like me "as a person". That still hurts.
The rest of them wanted me to leave the guy, but perhaps they didn't know that doing that would have left me with no one. I was not getting them back and he was all I had left. At one point during that mess I drew myself a bath in the middle of the night with the intention of killing myself. What stopped me is that I realised how selfish it would be to make them feel bad for what I had caused.

Its been 7+years. I haven't been able to make friends since. I don't even try. I push people away and don't let anyone close enough to share any part of my life.

(Side tracking a bit here: There's some things people say that never leaves me. In primary school my best friend told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because her parents said I was a bad influence. I was maybe 9. I had a panic attack. I have never quite stopped feeling like a bad influence.)

I now have three people in my life.
My mother and brother, with whom I share nothing. They're both very open people and they're always sharing EVERYTHING with me. It can get too much. The full extent of what I share with them is that I'm fine and work is busy. I don't feel I could ever lean on them.
Then there's my boyfriend. He knows about my history but for the past while I find myself letting him in less and less. He doesn't know that I never really did stop hurting myself. That I've been so down lately and struggling. Perhaps I don't want to disappoint or worry him. He's so busy and stressed out lately too. He's noticed the not eating thing. He's made a few pointed comments about needing to fatten me up and asking point blank what I've been eating. I usually sidetrack him and it doesn't go further than that. I don't know. Perhaps I'm trying to push him away too. Thats a scary thought.