That's a lie, but anyway.

Came home an hour earlier today with great plans for a big glass of wine and a blade. Been on my mind all day. Trouble is the boyfriend got home same time I did.

Actually took a blade with me to work today. Didn't use it but can't remember the last time I took one with me anywhere. Certainly not in the last 5 years.

Thing is I'm done with the mopeyness and sadness. I can't afford it right now. I am drowning in work and feeling sorry for myself is not going to get me anywhere. Feel like running away but can't do that right now. I need to pull my $#%^ together and start somewhere.

My skin is looking almost transparent lately and the veins are really showing through, but maybe I'm just fixating on them.

In other news, my period is messing me around. It's late, and that's not so much an issue, it was about a week late last month too. The problem is the 3 months before that it was about a week early each time. It needs to make up it's damn mind. Would be nice if it could go away all together. I'm not the biggest believer in pms but I wonder if some of the moping can be attributed to it...

It's 3am and I'm wide awake again... yay

Unproductive for the most part. Well, I renewed my cars license disc, but not much else. And nobody knows.

Facebook is the worst. I knew I shouldn't have gone on. Seeing people who were my closest friends - when I still had those - moving up and on with their lives. People doing things I've always wanted to do, and having a blast. I'm always comparing, and I always place second. An ugly green eyed monster. Why can't I just be happy for them and move on?

I can't quite figure out if I want to connect with other people again. Reason says no. People hurt you if you let them close. I don't want to be hurt like that again. But its so damn lonely like this. Safe, but lonely.

Not excited about anything, not down in the dumps. Not particularly feeling anything at all. Not a bad place to be.

Lots of work to be done. Should be more stressed. Deadlines loom. And finances are low. Not too bothered though. What will be will be. Strange stance for a control freak.

Maybe I'm just tired. I'm not sleeping when I should be.

Past 2 days I was on the warpath. Butting heads with everyone. Confrontational. Odd for me. Half expecting a good talking-to when the director gets back. Feelings get hurt and I've had zero tolerance for incompetence lately. Maybe that's why I'm so meh now. Satiated?

Oh well. Time to try and get some sleep. The sun will be rising soon.

Struggling to focus today again. Feeling kind of fuzzy. Struggling with social interaction too. This doesn't happen often, but today I keep averting my eyes and have to force myself to actually look at people. Don't want to be rude. Don't particularly want to speak to anyone though. Didn't want to leave home either.
I get like this once in a while. Worst was a few weeks ago. I was in a health shop and everything was fuzzy and overexposed and I was just floating around. Couple of shop attendants asked me if I needed assistance. I couldn't make eye contact and mumbled something to the effect of "no thank you". Just wanted to be left alone. I was finding some of what I needed and meandering around looking for the rest. I must have looked lost. I think I was in there a long time. Lucky its a big shop. Cashier actually asked me to speak louder when I replied to something she asked. Must have looked very strange.
Its strange because normally I have no problem with any of this. Some days are just weird and I should probably just stay home with a book. Wish I could.
Vision seems kind of overexposed again today. Not too bad, just a bit uncomfortable. I'm sensitive to light I guess. We had this issue in the office where the lights would randomly start to flicker because something was on the fritz. No one else would notice until I said something. And I was the only one in bothered.

Slept well. Sleep is good.
Woke up with a good stretch too. Love stretching. Feels so good. Maybe I should take up yoga again... A veggie that does yoga. Earth-shattering stuff here people.

Yesterday was very busy. VERY BUSY.
No time to stop. No time to think about nonsense. Well, almost. But good.
So much to do. Stress, stress. There's no end to the work.
But the stress is good for now. This mountain can be climbed. Must be. No choice really.

So far today has been quite busy as well. Hopefully tomorrow is too.
Need to get started on my licensing. Deadline in 2 months. Serious deadline. Gotta get it done.

Work, work. And repeat.