No blog entries since October. I didn't realise it had been that long.
I guess things were not so great. Which is a euphemism. Things were bad. My head was in a bad place and I was thinking about dying a lot. There. Said it. To the internet.

I kept on getting sick since November-ish. Every virus doing the rounds came straight for me. Fighting off another one now. Just an annoying runny nose left. Gastroenteritis just before Xmas, now THAT sucked.

And I'm the reason that its happening. That my system is run down and vulnerable. Because I hate myself and my body and don't eat regularly. Was doing a bit better on that front a few weeks back and then I started feeling fat again. See, its the feeling of my thighs touching in bed. Absolutely cannot stand it. And well, I go back to not eating.

Had some mdma a month ago. Not the first time I tried it but still. OH. MY.
The next day I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I wasn't thinking about dying, and that's not such a nice realization.
The boyfriend recently hinted at doing some more. But this morning I had the sneakiest, most evil, bastard of a thought. How would it feel to cut while under the influence?
On a scale of one to ten of stupid ideas this is an eleven. But I can't unthink it. And I don't know how the stupidity creeps in. Why would I even think of that.
Note to self: Behave you stupid little girl. That can only go badly.

Somehow, despite my head, things are a bit better today.

More like an 1100......

Please stay safe sweetie.

Hugs!

Hugs to you too hun. I was safe. The thought came back the second I was alone, but then it was the easiest thing in the world to think "No, I don't want that" and off it went. Wish it could always be like that.