In an effort not to cut, or more specifically not give myself scars, I've been messing around with candlewax for the past few days. I'd completely forgotten till now that I used to do this way before I started cutting. I must have been about 11. I know I had a tendency to hit walls, but I'd forgotten about the wax.
At least it doesn't leave marks, but it's hurting less and less. Today I barely felt it at times.

I know where this is headed.

I don't want to stop just yet either.

I've been sick with a cold or flu or something the past bit, but yesterday and today I've been on a cleaning frenzy to try and distract myself. Didn't work.

At some point I'm going to have to run for the hills because I don't want to go through the constant covering up again. But a small voice in the back of my head is saying maybe I can manage it, maintain it, keep it to an acceptable level. What the hell is an acceptable level?

None as far as I can tell, but you already know that, too.