Its stupid o'clock in the morning again. I'm in a story telling mood, apparently, so here I am explaining a few things about my life.

In varsity I committed a betrayal. Stole my friend's boyfriend. And by betraying this friend I'd had for a year, I lost all the friends I'd had most my life. As they had also become friends with her that year.
By deciding to come clean I had become a pariah. What I had done was despicable and they let me know that. The friend I betrayed told me she didn't like me "as a person". That still hurts.
The rest of them wanted me to leave the guy, but perhaps they didn't know that doing that would have left me with no one. I was not getting them back and he was all I had left. At one point during that mess I drew myself a bath in the middle of the night with the intention of killing myself. What stopped me is that I realised how selfish it would be to make them feel bad for what I had caused.

Its been 7+years. I haven't been able to make friends since. I don't even try. I push people away and don't let anyone close enough to share any part of my life.

(Side tracking a bit here: There's some things people say that never leaves me. In primary school my best friend told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because her parents said I was a bad influence. I was maybe 9. I had a panic attack. I have never quite stopped feeling like a bad influence.)

I now have three people in my life.
My mother and brother, with whom I share nothing. They're both very open people and they're always sharing EVERYTHING with me. It can get too much. The full extent of what I share with them is that I'm fine and work is busy. I don't feel I could ever lean on them.
Then there's my boyfriend. He knows about my history but for the past while I find myself letting him in less and less. He doesn't know that I never really did stop hurting myself. That I've been so down lately and struggling. Perhaps I don't want to disappoint or worry him. He's so busy and stressed out lately too. He's noticed the not eating thing. He's made a few pointed comments about needing to fatten me up and asking point blank what I've been eating. I usually sidetrack him and it doesn't go further than that. I don't know. Perhaps I'm trying to push him away too. Thats a scary thought.

Well, you're sharing with us, and that's a good thing to write things out.