My uncle died about a week ago.
I feel nothing about it. No sort of emotion.

I didn't like him and haven't seen him for many years. I remember being a bit afraid of him and avoiding him as much as possible when I was a kid. I'm not really sure why.
I said that I feel sorry for my aunt and cousins. But thats a lie. I just feel like its something I should be feeling or saying.
My aunt is a nice person. That man was abusive towards her. She eventually divorced him, and everyone thought it was well overdue.
I feel like I should be sympathetic towards my cousins -he was still their father. But I'm not.

My brother was upset, he rushed right over to the funeral and to support the family. My mother seemed like she was expecting more from me when she called me with the news. But I had nothing for her. I didn't go. I carried on with my plans for the day.

I find it weird that sometimes I can't stop myself from empathising too much with people. Feeling their emotions as intensely as if they were my own. And yet now I've got nothing.

Last year I attended my BFs grandfather's funeral on the other side of the country. I had only met the man a few times before he died and had barely spoken to him aside from greetings. Yet I was so overwhelmed at his funeral that I had to step away.

Strange.

Well, here I am- after debating it when I would rather have been sleeping at 2am and a bit of encouragement later... I'm taking the leap and starting a blog. Woohoo I'm new to this blogging thing but giving it a shot. If I say anything that shouldn't be posted, please explain why. Kindness if possible would be appreciated -I'm not that great with criticism.

The rant begins...

So, I haven't been sleeping very much for the past week. I had an extra week of leave and it was something like a use it or lose it scenario. Not sure I chose best. Have basically holed myself up at home doing nothing really, not eating properly, and been falling back into dark thoughts and urges. Haven't given in to those, so yay me.

Just came back from holiday with the BF. Desperately needed it and kept having to wait for his work commitments to be clarified so that we could go. Not his fault really, but I did wish he could be more assertive seeing as we hadn't taken leave for over a year. Had a really nasty fight with him then. I was exhausted. When we finally went, it wasn't like I thought it would be. His family was coming along for a week too, and as such we ended up doing work in the house for a few days straight to prep for their arrival and then what they wanted to do. When we were finally alone the weather turned bad. Felt like such a waste, and it took me ages to switch off from work-mode. I think I had my hopes set on it being like last time. I'm usually much better at managing my hopes and protecting myself from such disappointment. Stupid.

So we're back for the past week, and I am feeling fat from all the holiday food and down and hence the not eating. I am trying to hide it from dear old BF but he may be suspecting because last night he asked me flat out what I ate all day. So I told him- coffee. We left dinner quite late, and I hate eating that late, so had chocolate instead. I think that may have eased his concerns a bit. I've been trying to show him that I'm ok, make sure I shower and get dressed etc before he comes home, stay in bed until morning even though I've woken up at stupid o' clock with my mind racing about, also tried to make sure I've done some sort of chore around the house and all that. Need to try harder. I don't want to worry him, he deserves better.

I'm back at work on Monday, so things should be better then. Or easier to hide.