I'm tired of being the emotional dumping ground of my family. Being the responsible one.

I'm tired of being the one they call in a crisis. I'm tired of my bother calling me in a panic when my mother has told him she wants to die. I'm tired of calmly handling the situation.

I'm tired of being told that I think I'm better than everyone else. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I feel useless and worthless, a varsity drop out whose every moment of confidence is a charade. And yet I've been told this a few times so thats clearly how I come across.

I'm tired of my brother lending money from me. Of feeling $#%^ when I say no to him. He earns as much as I do, but even as kids he would spend all his money in a hurry and then come to me when he needed more. He's my older brother. He should have been taking care of me.

I'm tired of my mother calling me to talk smack about my brother. Yes he's irresponsible but he's her son. How could she say such things.

I'm tired of my brother complaining to me about his life and expenses. He had an extremely good once-in-a-lifetime job and he gave it up for a girl. He loves her and I'm happy for him but he needs to find some stability. I'm tired of worrying about him.

I'm tired of my mother calling me to complain about everything. I'm sick of hearing her complain and expecting me to feel sorry for her.

I'm tired of them both believing me so well put together. Of them accepting that I'm fine and solid and able to deal with their #######4 because I'm a good actor. This is my own fault. I dont let people in.They dont know that I tried to kill myself twice about 13 years ago. They didnt notice that I didnt leave my room for over a day or that my mom's sleeping pills were missing or that I always wore long sleeves. Even now they dont notice that I'm anything but the rock that they can offload on. They dont know that I am still fighting daily with my thoughts and that their rock might dissappear from under them.

My mother always plays the selfless victim, and yes she had it rough. She raised two kids by herself and put us in schools that were more than she could afford. But she also decided that the time to be selfish was when I was in my final year of highschool, when she sent me to live with a man I didn't know because she wanted to move in with her boyfriend and I would have been in their way. I dont know if I'll ever really forgive her for that. Or for making me grow up so young when she was weak and depressed and I had to calm her down and tell her everything was going to be okay even though I was a kid. For her acting like a child and me having to scold her.

I am an unfeeling monster.

I'm tired of my gut clenching into a knot every time they call me and wondering what it is now.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for not wanting to pick up the phone.

I am an unfeeling monster.

If only that were true. Most of the stress you describe would be irrelevant. Without feelings, you wouldn't notice it. You certainly wouldn't need to spend any time on family crap.

Of them accepting that I'm fine and solid and able to deal with their #######4 because I'm a good actor.

Is that true? Or is it possible that they do know / could guess how things are for you. But are in denial about it. Because if they admitted that to themselves. They might have to take responsibility for themselves. I'm just thinking. You could be the most dreadful actor in the history of the world. And as I understand what you describe. They wouldn't change one bit. Better to lie to your face about how well you seem to handle everything. Than to deal with anything by themselves. [Sorry that that's harshly put. I'm not finding a more tactful way to put my thoughts into words.]

Also. It's OK not to pick up the phone sometimes. To let it go to answerphone. Or to let them ring back later. There's genuinely nothing wrong with doing that. Everyone's adults here, they can deal. That's what they'd have to do if you were out or in the bath anyway. It's really fine to be busy with other things sometimes.

They called, both of them, yesterday. My mother to complain and my brother to discuss his finances. Geez. Listened a bit then got it across that I was busy and sick.
I know I don't always have to answer, but it makes me feel like a hateful person and what if I miss something serious, etc...
And no, I don't really discuss much about myself with them, and never anything about my feelings or any of the things I can admit to here, so I don't think they know anything. If they did I'm pretty sure it would get annoying.