Everyone around us is getting married. And that's great for them really, I couldn't be happier for most of them, but then as always the usual silent question thickens the air... whens our turn?

7 years is a long time to date someone. I know. And the darling boyfriend wants to. Again I know. But its not gonna happen. He knows this. At least I think he does. I've said it so many times from the start. I've been very clear. I'm worried that he's still hopeful though. With all this marriage in the air, he's made some off-hand comments that are concerning. He's going to get hurt. And it'll be my fault.

So why is it a no to marriage?
The simple answer is that it's a promise I don't think I can fulfill. And I hate breaking promises. HATE it. Its a big thing with me. I love him, but I cannot grow old with him. And then there's other things, like he wants kids. And he should have them, he's great with kids, they adore him. But I don't want children. Too many things can go wrong. I can't stand the prospect of stuffing up a little human life. And well, pushing one out between my legs is not my idea of a picnic. And breastfeeding is straight out of a nightmare. There are other ways to do these things, I know, but then you still have a child on your hands. And sure, they're cute, but they're also gross little things. Sticky and smelly and so incredibly fragile. Dear god I would be an overbearing parent. I would disinfect everything, including the child as much as possible, and probably bubble wrap it too. And I don't think that would be the best for a child, even if we don't touch on the fact that I'm a bit of a mess.

The result is that I end up feeling like I'm stealing parts of the dear boyfriends life. Denying him these things. Denying him a normal life, and the normal things that normal people want. Peope are moving on with their lives and I'm keeping his in stasis. And my conclusion is always the same. I need to end things with him. Detangle myself from his life. I'm a bad influence again, an infection thats stunting his growth. One that will leave him scarred. Surely he must realise this.

But I'm a coward. Too scared to leave him because without him I have nothing. And he avoids problems as much as possible. And so we maintain the status quo. And of course this could all just be in my head.

Anyway, the boyfriend has been VERY interested this weekend. This is a good case of murphy's law coming to bite me in the ass because on Friday I messed up and ended up cutting more than I have in a long time. And not my usual 1 or 2 everywhere easily explained type. Well thats how it started but then I couldn't stop and reverted to old very obvious habits. And so I cant let him near me for a while. Which sucks because I've also been interested. Self sabotage?

I'm going to be late for work again

Wow it could be sabotage. Or coincidence. Cut really bad, huh? Sigh. I miss burning. But Snagina is watching me. Has noticed how much I've been getting ' hurt at work' lately. I had to stop and hated her for it even if I am getting excited at the idea of no blisters or scabs. But I... I'll shut up about my love for burning. You know exactly what I mean. We're addicts.

Seven years.... If he thought you were bad for him he'd be gone, right? I pushed Snagina to marry too. After only a few months. I never dated much and was getting almost 40 so scared I'd die alone. But seven years even she'd have told me to $#%^ or get off the pot a long time ago. So if he's been this patient pretty safe to say he loves you bunches. Or at least is really comfortable with you. I don't think that's all bad, myself.

Well nobody is every ready to be a parent. But I don't blame you for not wanting something that really shouldn't be coming out of a normally small opening, doing so. That's scary! But no one is ever ready.

Yeah see Snagina needs me now for a roof and life necessities and I wouldn't be anything without her but she settled. She had to have. I know how you feel about the b/f not being good for him. I wasn't good for her. Not really. She'd argue about that though. Bet your b/f would too. He's with you for a reason. You are not that horrid sweetie pie and neither am I, it's our distorted self image. I mean, we self harm, right?

Um, not so much bad as lots. Much as I get tempted I don't cut deep. Maybe I'd have done less if I did, but more scars would be just as damning as the cuts themselves.

I'm so glad you've managed to hold off the urges hun. Even if its just because Snagina is suspicious. I've been reading how much its frustrating you, but whatever keeps you safe hey?

The scary thing with the darling boyfriend is that I don't know where his patience will end. I'm pretty sure I've been trying to push him away since day one and nothing phases him. Not entirely sure he'd know what was bad for him if it hit him in the face. Or worse, worried that he does know I'm bad for him and stays anyway. That's a really scary thought.

There's this bit of wisdom that gets taught among Russian women that really pisses me off. The gist of it is that people never love each other equally, and if you have to choose between a man that you really love and a man that really loves you, you should go for the man that really loves you because he will never leave you. It's a really crappy way to look at love. Pragmatic, but crappy.