I can feel my inner beauty shine more. I can feel a light within myself begin to shine brightly. This is not mania. Super small amounts of tolerable rhisp. seem to really work. The months and months of using the Gita are amalgamated and somehow, the 8 fold path appears to happen naturally. Again, this provides the argument for meds, and of course, the Anti p's hate that for sure.

Now of course, I am stressed out. In an opposite vein, some of the other behaviors are manifesting but in terms of situation not improper conduct. There is no adultery, no cursing or being attitudinal. The behaviorw which are negative are things like eating at my desk or dealing with certain aspects of aging.

The mobbing is getting worse. I don't know why. I dont' know if the mobbing is due to the fact that i am becoming more professional, if I am too awkward or if the situaitonal problems are manifested. IT could also be my weight.

Several anomalies always occur no matter where I am:

1. Me looking good or me looking bad. People always make a big deal over my weight, my hair and my looks. If my face or hair is red, if I am fat omg call the police. IF I look good, omg make a deal of it with hefty praise.

2. My behaviors are always misinterpreted. If I say "Hello" to a coworker of my husband's and I can't find the direction of the person, then "I'm crazy" or if I am looking for someone who has an appt at the (glassed in) office, I look around nervously and people think that this is me "being crazy" again.

This is called "mobbing." IT is a group effort to shunt a person out. Two people are out at my job and I'm next.

OTher than that, a change has taken place. In the tests I took online, it said that "I know myself" and a lady from one of my churches says that I know myself well. I have a well developed sense of self.

No matter what I do, I will always look strange; I will always be in some way decrepid and in some way offensive, but I am taking this calmly as this med has gotten rid of some negative behaviors. Even as recently, if you remember, four months ago, I was trying improvement by my own power and failing miserably.

So, I don't know if I can get like the lady in "Star Dust" who got rid of the witch by the light within. My senility may be in part genetic, but it is also due to almost intracable mobbing, which I still percieve despite the rhsiperdol. I never thought that I would take that stuff again, and I CANNOT TAKE a full miligram, but 1/4 to a 1/2. IF I take a whole one I get comatose. I almost didn't wake up the other night after taking a whole one.

I know that I break the code of the Anti p's, but this workplace I can't take chances. I will say that if the senility continues by Feb, I might go for a resignation and complete the contract by June 2014.

Whether it is 8 months or it is two years, I know that my days here are numbered NOT by my boss, but by the rest of the building. I have done extensive research and I really know my stuff. But I can feel that beauty within filling up and in some ways I am stronger, but I still am affected by the mobbing because other than the situational things, there isn't really anything to base it on.

I know that three conflicts cover this: What happened off campus 4 years ago, a situation where I wasn't supposed to lift heavy boxes and I proved that I was a feminist, and that I was a growly paranoiac when I first came here six years ago.

But there is this constant mobbing and even though the lady who dragged me into ruin 4 years ago met with tragedy (which I didn't want to happen but it did) by her sister, the thing I did 4 years ago is still present. Though emotional it was enough to brand me, much as similar events have done in my hometown.

Rise above and ignore. Now I have to ignore because my physical health is beginning to fail.