Long stupid dull day

Some very strange man called asking about the roads. He wanted to know the width requirements for the off ramps and on ramps on the highways. I am in a doldrum and I am not feeling well and I get this question smack out of the blue.

My mind is deteriorating. I dont' know what to do. I just about want to cry. I am scared but nobody believes me or will help me.

I feel sick but I cannot leave this hell. I hate this place with every fiber of my being. I take stimulants everyday to make my mind work better but I know, pretty much that my mind is going. I'm only 45.

I was sick today--had really bad diarrhea.

So I've been messing around most of the day--looking up the house I was born in, looking up the house I live in now and looking up my dad's house just for the heck of it.

30 more minutes in hell.

I wanted to get a Master's in Library Science but I don't know if I can now.

I'm just so upset.

After that weird man called, I looked up on how to deal with psycho phone calls and of course, the stupid "Google" pulled up a bunch of stuff about ex's. I cannot stand my ex, so there he is not in any "danger."

So, I just want to go home.

I feel so lost and so depressed.

I can't stand my church now. I hate Praise Team. I can't sing anymore. They all sound like commercial singers and I can't keep up.

I joined this church like 3 years ago but now I just don't like it anymore but my son likes the church and my husband and I live hand to mouth so now I have to stay with them because of the babysitter. Now, we geniunely are friends with the babysitter but I just get so outdone.

We've been without water for 7 days now.

I am angry at my husband so I've been daydreaming again.......My daydreams are rich and full and beautiful but they too make me even more sick.

Whatever med concotion I have had previously doesn't seem to work. The anti psychotic just dulls everything and the lamictal might be what made this deterioration excelerate.

I can feel sensations at the sides of my head all the time. I take the stims as I said before and they make me able to think but I still feel fuzzy all of the time. My depression is very chronic.

I hate FB but I need FB. I just feel so horrible. I feel so alone, still. People will tell me that I need "God." Well, if God is here then where is a church where I don't feel stupid and idiotic? Where is MY church God?!!!!!!!!!!

No, I have been content before and this is not your average discontentment.
But anyway, something has to give. I am depressed even with good friends. I am dissoulutioned because my son is almost as mentally ill as I am, I am tired of living this weirdo duct tape existence and my mind, as I have said, is going.................................

There really isn't much more to hold onto..