That core self is there but it suffers. My God. I'm 45. I'm trying.

Aesop?--a donkey, a boy and a man:

http://ancienthistory.about.com/library/bl/bl_aesop_man_boy_donkey.htm

They said: "She sits at the computer." I took all of the big, long maps out of the tubes and they are on the floor. I took the labels off and now I'm rearranging. I'm not 20 anymore. I used to always justify my existence with my work ethic.

The hatred normally hits at some points during the afternoon, and I get sick.

I've thought about going on disability. I pretty much see it coming. June 2014.

I'ts getting bad.

On a positive note, just going to the little church around the corner is producing STABILITY.

STABILITY
STABILITY
STABILITY
STABILITY
STABILITY

WONDERFUL WONDERFUL STABILITY

The weekend wasn't half bad. Friday, we had Taco Bell and then I cleaned house and got some trash bags. I had tea with my friend Liz afterwards, but only tea at Cracker Barrell. (I'm journaling what happens to keep my long term memory up, see. I'm very afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it runs in the family).

Saturday, I spent most of my time at the house, cleaning and organizing. I then went and cleaned my friend's trailer-we put her new grandchild's baby bed together, which was fun. We cleaned out the teeny tiny first bedroom for her son, her new dil and the soon to come baby. Then, I had a peaceful evening with my family.

Sunday, I went to church at the church that is around the corner instead of the larger church that I attended last fall. In the afternoon after my husband got off from work, we all went to the park and it was nice and new and the breeze was fresh. And then, my friend needed laundry done and her trailer vaccumed and so I did that. And then, I read a book after having some ravioli and some small chunks of chocolate and some koolaid.

Hubby went to Wal Mart to get little dude some new shoes because little dude had taken his Lands End-found-at the-thrift store-shoes and gotten them wet with the garden hose. (He wore dad's shoes to church, LOL!) The Lands End shoes are still okay, but still they are slightly messed up.

A. and RS had a blood sugar drop and they had the pizza and I had the ravioli.

The only bad part of the weekend was the extra clean up. A. and my friend G. had a little tiff because A. (hubby) always feels that G. takes advantage. G. has heart problems and diabetes and she was one of my first friends. She is centrally located and is good with crises. We are symbiotic. I believe that she may have Histronic with some mild BPD tendencies, which when you are older, aren't that bad, just irritating. G. also has worked at a local State Hospital and understands (my) mental illness very very well. She's good at handling delusions and episodes because she's trained. She's also part Native American so she knows animals well and its always nice to hear her talk about her cats and about nature and spirituality.

We still struggle with G. getting her husband/mate/partner over here. Really, they had a "nikah" which is nothing but a handfasting but she's trying to get him over here anyway. He's from Kashmir--(Pakistani) I think that he might be Indo-Scathyian (northern Indo-European). Goober FINALLY got an Immigration Attorney. She's been trying for 9 years to get him over here.

So, that was my weekend. I haven't eaten lunch yet.
__________________________________________________________________________________

So far, the paranoia is pushed back, although it is active. I'm dressed well, which always scares them. They have to *reassure* one another and *warn* one another about me, so..that's always fun.

So, this morning was almost an epic fail with my son who didn't get up. I have this fragile, cowardly weak personality and I am married to a person with inattentive add so you can imagine about the discipline of our son--THERE ISN'T ANY.

I am getting there, but what happens is each month when that time comes, it knocks down any progress that I have made. The condition is called premenstrual dysmorphic disorder. Anyway, I have to go back to work, but I just wanted to explain that.

My love of Bollywood and interest in the Gita DOES NOT mean that I am in ISKON. Many many years ago, I was in love with a Malaysian Indian and I have a lady friend whose husband is from Kashmir, so that's where the flavor of Asia comes in.


My life is boring, so I pepper it with a bit of Indian culture. Nothing more.