I just know that today is going to be slow. Slow days are the most difficult.

I really "journal" on FB and of course, that gets me in "trouble." I also spend all of my time on there, getting insults from my brother about "right wing infotainment." Although it may appear unrelated, I am going to join a certain church denonination to get rid of the flack that I get from both sides of the leftist, almost communist family of origin and the evangels and fundamentalists who are my "friends." I am going to become a United Methodist-one step away from Unitarian and also people who use reason along with the Bible. I'm going to use this "label" as a way of "creating" a neutral identity that few people can mess with because I am tired of it. Once I become an official UM, then by God all of these peopel are going to shut up--both sides-Democrat and REpublican-left and right.

Okay, so I like Regan a tiny bit and sometimes I listen to my right wing friends. Sometimes I delve into conspiracy theory. This, according to my brother is giving into "infotainment."

So, I'm really irritated.

I took a klonapin and it hasn't really worked that well today.

Have you ever sneezed like five times in a row?" It gets very irritating. I am at work. The day is slow. I smell cofee, which I can no longer have because of my stomach. I've got stomach problems in the upper intestine and I have to take Prilosec everday.

So, Richard doesn't like Art classes and he's stopped, but we are trying to get him to go more to karate. The private schools never panned out. Richard's dad Allen has no idea what to do about the house.

My friend keeps pushing this sponsorship thing wich is ruining my marriage and making my husband very angry. I am having to order my birth certificate from "Vitalcheck." I see my "friend" almost every day. I am getting tired of her beck and call. Sometimes I think that I have Stockholm Syndrome about the entire thing in regards to me helping her. She wants her PAkistani husband over here, see.

So, here I am and it is an hour until lunch. La tee da. I think today we are supposed to go out for dinner to greet the new intern.

I just took my last klonapin.

Friday at 10:30, I am supposed to meet with my caseworker B. I couldn’t this Monday because R was sick. Don’t worry, I called B to let her know. Concerning the mortgage, A and I have been assigned a “customer management” representative to talk about “loan modification” but there is no guarantee that the house will not foreclose. A does not want to file bankruptcy even though I’ve got great rapport with Bankruptcy Attorney Mr. P down on Lakeland. Dad had a stroke; I am not sure if I told you. He is improving. He can sit up; he can talk; he can play “Jenga” but he cannot swallow or walk just yet. We are trying to decide what kind of rehab he should be placed in. The siblings are following him closely. Also, the family house will either be renovated or demolished and a cleaner set up will get the two COPD’ers a better space. (Dad has COPD and so does my common law stepmother). Doomsday is April 17, and that is when I get the cognitive testing results. I am wondering if I should also meet with the psychiatrist on that day or not. B (psych) is 90.00 bucks and the rest of the test for the cognition is 600.00 on the balance (Dr. L, psychometrist). I hate the waiting of going to the house and wondering if we are keeping it or not. Since the foreclosure deal, we don’t know if we will regain the house or not. It means that R will have to continue to go to Boyd, which we tried, as you know, to avoid with various private schools, all which essentially rejected him, and the only one that did was miles away on Lakeland. At Public Affairs, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, things seem better with S my main manager. She seems slightly more trusting and allows me to do stuff like gather bags together and boxes and the like. She’s halfway positive and somewhat fair. Yesterday was a disaster. I had forgotten about April 8th being “Work Zone Safety Month” and us having the coffee social down here. I was very invested in my son’s stomach problems and missing Monday really messed everything up. I had to borrow and orange shirt from upstairs and I was told to “answer the phones” and they put me behind the map rack so that I couldn’t’ be seen which made me very angry and like they think I am a fifth wheel. I’m BANNED off of the phone for some major goof ups I made; I don’t know if that is from Cognitive Problems or if I have always been that way. If I have always been that way with the phone, that would be comforting to know if I have always been bad on the phones. To know if I have always been crappy on the phones would make me feel that this isn’t some cognitive distortion or digression. I ate at Cracker Barrell with my best friend and that helped somewhat. I went to bed at straight up 9:00. I still get up very distraught over how the day will go. I still get a feeling in the pit of my stomach and a sense of dread every time I come to work. I never know what they will expect of me. I ask if I am the fifth wheel and they just keep on saying “just focus on the job.” S and J think that I am very defensive. J DID FINALLY ASK FORMALLY if dad was okay and he also addressed Sh’s loss of her sister. I had confronted him about the stroke before, but he had just said “I know that Monday you had to take off” and it seemed rather obligatory to ask how my dad was. This time, J was much more sincere. And my relationship with the receptionist is very weird—highly passive aggressive and very on again off again—much like it is with Sh. I guess that the “mean-ness” is discipline. I don’t know. L says that I have “selective hearing” and one minute she is what I perceive to be very rude and the next minute she is calling me “Bold and Beautiful” and a “sister of Christ” to her, so I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO ABOUT L BECAUSE ALL I GET IS CONFUSED. And, the relationship with L might pattern itself after the sibs, I might have great sibs, but I DON’T GET ALONG WITH THEM AT ALL. So, if a person is like a sibling, it normally isn’t good, even though the siblings are great pe...

[ Continued ]

They are trying to foreclose the house. A. is speaking to someone now about that.