I have two friends who are my "level" in child-likeness and childishness. I'm maybe a maturational age of 14? like a well behaved 14 to 17 year old (median 16?). One friend is like maybe 17 to 23 in maturity. The other friend is about my level, possibly even slightly below--about 14-17, but I'm more like the second friend--on the lower level. Chronological ages are 45, 70 and 52. Immaturities are not harmful in any physical or violent way. Please note.

I am not putting anyone down. The other two people are good people. And, the one who is more "together" is ten times more honorable and is much better groomed and outwardly more organized.

I feel conflicted because I know how each one feels. For SC, I know how it is when you know a lot of things. SC, the one who is more like a 17-23 year old, knows a whole lot about a lot of things. And, unlike me, she is organized, neat and better socially. SC reminds me of how my daughter is, and that part makes me appreciative and makes me sad because they both have that organizational and behavioral sense of honor that I don't have. They are both more like someone 140-150 in IQ overall. I am 123. This also makes me very sad-that I cannot be this way.

SC is helpful in that I can see a persona in her (schema) that is like my college self. I'm 139 just in the verbal arena, and we connect, I think at that point. But, she is ahead of me. These are her negative schemas:

-overtly critical of others grooming and appearance
-critical and judgemental of the character flaws of others
-angry all the time-dejected and hurt-like a wild animal that is wounded
-the intelligence is "in your face". Other smarter people don't do this to me, and even my daughter is not as bad as she used to be. Once my daughter joined the Navy, she stopped the "in your face I'm smarter than you game"-the ONE UPMANSHIP

For SCC, I remind her of her disorganized manic depressive mother and she reminds me of my critical Victorian mother. Don't get me wrong, though, I still love my mother and I understand that hysteria and that insecurity, that place of feral pain.

For GA is more like me and her IQ is nearer to mine. She's got a gentle heart and she can be a giver. She can be empathic. She makes a good companion-type. We are actually more alike than me and SC. GA is more like 130, which means that I dont' have to reach as high with thought, and she also has the language variant of my disability. She has dyslexia and I have dyscalculia. On a horrid, Antisocial note, (sorry) I feel that she would control me if I didn't have the academic background from my family and the verbal edge that I have; this intimidates her and makes her back down or I would get snowed. Okay, yes, that makes me mad.

Our shared faults are manipulation, passive aggressiveness, lack of honor and lack of mutual respect. She's more Histronic and likes drama and can be a troublemaker, but I understand this as well. When you have been disrespected since birth and you are abused, you get hypervigilant and you get that learned helplessness thing going. But, she uses her disability as a crutch. But, her disability can be debilitating, and the PTSD overshadows all of it. We are both emotional vampires living in desperation.

I split because first I don't like to be *alone.*

I split second because I am empathic to that place of feral pain as I said--that place where cissex identifying females have had their hearts broken and feel unloved and overcome by the world--powerless, especially beta females such as myself.

I split thirdly because I know how that lack of executive function makes keeping track of bills difficult and how the self soothing mechanism and the cycle of poverty makes one a beggar and a manipulator and opportunist.

My biggest faults are cowardice, lack of honor and extreme inconsistency. I always take care of me first, always. I am very selfish.

I spot a lot of emeshment. There are so many parallels. SC's mother was like I am now. SC has patterns like my mother, my sister MS, my daughter and in the healthy realm, like my healthy friend LR. Of GA, I see the poverty, the messiness, the passive aggressiveness and the borderline/histrionic childlike modes occuring.

There are two healthy mirrors and two unhealthy mirrors. The two healthy mirrors LDR and CG are intelligent or bright and they love "Phantom of the Opera" or they go and pursue healthy interests and they know how to manage themselves, they work through things. The two unhealthy mirrors are harsh, angry and passive aggressive.

The two healthy mirrors are really high to reach as mentors. Other mirrors have great gaping faults, like one mirror is part of an extreme denomination that thinks only they are going to Heaven. The other mirror lady is highly passive aggressive and gets mad one minute and is nice the next, although otherwise they are good mentor material. Siblings are all MENSA and I can't abide that. I get very bitter and angry with MENSA people. MIL is actually not half bad as a mentor, mostly. She might work as a mentor and my daughter--I will have to give this some thought. Miss Caroline might work as a mentor because she is more at my consumer level of funcitoning.

I can feel my own "catiness" but I am aware of it. I try to be fair like my New Age, Agnostic, Humanist sibs and I am not that honorable. I'm mean and scrappy and ugly.