I'm feeling that,that whole thing about ppl entering my program with open arms welcoming those who have no idea is a sham.It doesn't feel nearly as accomadating and open to the completely blank slate at computers as much as I thought it would.Those like me who just feel intimidated by being around ppl who r experts at info tech/programming stuff and who have the audacity 2 gloat about how good they r at it and their accomplishments in it.In a more crude vernacular the ppl in my program r what you'd cal [Lord do I problems with this stupid word] "nerds -_- " .Like 97% o'them have already done programming in the past and it shows in how the teachers compliment them and are pleased by how already knowledgable the class is so they can move ahead faster with the lessons.

In contrast it wasn't like this in my biotech program (at least as far as the lectures go) b/c I mean what kind of high school teaches stuff specifically like analytical chemistry, biotech,quality assureance (for chemical related stuff) microbiology,biochemistry anyways?.It was present in the labs a little bit with the 1st lab instructor I has.He was (it soon turned out) a short "malencarado" man who ussually ended his sentances with a "yes?" sorta like the equivalent use of how a stereotypical 1920's mobster would end his sentances with (ex.) "where gonna stick up the bank and the coppers aren't gonna do anything about it....see".

Despite his docile appearance on the first day along with that short stature I thought he would be soft spoken.Until 20 minutes in2 when he was surprisely stunned by the what was apparently us overusing the lab substances the class saying "we're chemists!...we've had experience doing lab work,yes?" totally blew that concept out the f----n window.He was esp.a stickler with me. Wow did me sending the mandatory msg about my mental condition out 2 him make him do that -_- ?.But what *really * peeved me off is how after his usual roundabouts of sticklering he'd go talked all calm like 2 a group a ppl who've already gone 2 flippin university and done and have a lot of experience with chemistry experiments contently remesnescing and talking about how labs and classes are like at university.And I gotta say I found them (particulary this one girl who yet again someone who I found okay at 1st but soon turned out 2b mean) sorta aloof and with a superiority that comes from already having done life science related things at high profile universities.

That's what I don't like about *doing* life sciences.The instructors are snappy & pushy and yer constantly reminded of how expensive all that stuff,how quickly u gotta get things done right the 1st f----n time around (note how it's not like u can stop in 2 practice with lab equipment anytime) the whole time with you likely have little to no f----n experience in your life with equipment and procedures of this sort.
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You know I imagine that if those ppl who I talk about in such posting like these were 2 find out that it was the weakling me talking about them the reactions they'd have would be scowls like u would get typing in the word scowl on google like these


http://fightyourcase.com.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/fight-your-case-scowl-angry.jpeg

http://www.google.ca/imgres?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&tbo=d&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=979&bih=415&tbm=isch&tbnid=Uhm_2tzmc9hD_M:&imgrefurl=http://blogs.ft.com/westminster/2012/08/big-moment-for-coalition-as-lib-dems-question-plan-a/osborne-scowl/&docid=8MQrKkGudG_vLM&imgurl=http://blogs.r.ftdata.co.uk/westminster/files/2012/08/Osborne-scowl.jpg&w=594&h=401&ei=L8XxUPvlBYqG0QHL1IDwAg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=4&vpy=78&dur=729&hovh=184&hovw=273&tx=180&ty=144&sig=104826749558357555205&page=2&tbnh=158&tbnw=234&start=12&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:23,s:0,i:184...

[ Continued ]

Actually listening 2 those livescribe pen recodings even if it's straight out of the pen like while I'm walking home *really* help the passage of time slow down 4 me.

Remembering a few hrs ago how I was super cheesed off while watching a beginners vid on youtube about Java programming and going in2 stuff totally off the track in a computer recording over 2 hrs long that I'll "ritually delete" after it occured 2 me that if I next time have a video all like an ethics,religious or moral monologue about love at low volume while I'm watching a Java vid it'll help me 2 not burst my top about how dispassionate I am about programming,y the f--- my life has been led in2 the way it is yadda,yadda,yadda.

I just finished trying 2 follow youtube videos of Tai-chi and Taebo a while ago.It was okay,better than a Tai-chi DVD I took out from the library once but that whole time I kept on thinking about how I look and how other ppl would likely jeer and make fun of me like soo many grade and high school phys.ed classes.

I remember that my last science teacher in high school was in2/she said that like on (weekends?) she did Zumba.I kept on thinking yestreday of how that when I had here in the exact year b4
would make fun of me by imitating those booming declarations of short answers that come out of my throat.It's like everyone is magnettically attracted 2 making fun of me that way & "pushing me over".Imitating my voice.

That and 4 some f----ng reason they think of me as some sort of butler they can push around & push button answers out of esp.when I've gotten 2 the point of being conspicously knowlegable.Like I remember the 1st time around when I had her on days when Holly (someone who was with me in that class and the physics class earlier in the day) would be absent she'd ask me "Do you know where Holly is?" or "Have you seen Holly today?".What the f--- am I 2 know where the h--- she's been >:( ?.

Another when Gir said flatly/jokingly "I'll strip for you" she said "Whoo!.It's always the quiet one that are crazy" which really made me only distrust/dislike her more b/c of how that saying applies so much 2 u.That yr she checked off how everyone was graduating except u.The yr after when u said how u weren't going 2 go thru the grad ceremony she said (eyes turned aloof suddenly -_-) "Okay..but don't regret not having been there with your friends" or something like that,like a few other teachers.

She's an archetype personfied 2 me of a judgemental and intemperate,standard "just got my job",run-of-the mill 20 something that I can EASILY see so many in high school becoming esp.every braggy,loud,presumptious "success" golden kid student who's brags "accomplish-fully" about how there good at both badminton and calculus and haughtily jeer at those who try 2 beat them (someone named Jonathan RRRREEALLLYYYY comes 2 mind here -_-):< .

The saying "your only strong as your weakest point" comes 2 my mind being said by the repressive perpetual scowls of those who r undoubtably pros at what they do but are cruel jerks of ppl.

Another unforunate instance of stereotype is what comes 2 the minds of most ppl when u say "martial art".When u say that word what comes 2 most ppl's mind is the apparently heavily stylistized East Asian styles and their "mystique".I mean I *know* very well that East Asian fighting styles are heavily diverse & "legendary" 4 the seeming acrobatic finesse and grace u gotta have 4 some of them (yrs of movies can make u think that) but there are other fighting styles throughout the world that require just as much self-discipline,skill (though not as"full body" demanding/as demanding on some body parts) & r no less effective then those ones.

I'm sure that if u try 2 do Pankration,Savate,Western boxing and not 2 mention the various "folk" wrestling styles like Icelandic Glima,German Ringen & Lancashire wrestling you'd end up feeling that by the time u go expert if u already were good at an East Asian style.I mean why do u think they call MMA mixed *maritial arts* when sometimes the guys might not even b using an E.Asian style.Actually I don't think kung-fu is even allowed in the MMA circuit 4 reasons I'm don't fully know.Something about how in the full-contact styles they mostly/populary use the offensives are linear & 2 the front while in kung-fu where u start yer offensive is ussually a "free for all" like stepping out 2 the side quickly and being flexible enuff 2 strike with a limb from there ...

[ Continued ]

Using this time 2 study 4 subjects that next semester will kick my a--- or use this precious window of time 4 uninterrupted writing of my internal problems where I can expound them fully & get answers 2 them instead of being nagged 2 find answers 2 them during the d--- irrating regular school semester?.