-The passing of my paternal grandfather

-a summer with intrusive thoughts

-a continued struggle with prioritizing and having to be patient
with bringing up issues to professionals

-me gradually coming up with ways to bring up my beliefs

-'caving into temptation' and writing a math exam and finally dissipitating a ~8+ source of anxiety

--many things are not being mentioned..

--this stuff went on in the year of 2k16 .U.S. presidental election

----I bring up a few things with no 'priority' at the moment as for a reason to write more,..

Common theme? : ~'hand stretching more towards self-compassion'.

--For the past few days I haven’t been doing accounting or Microsoft Word stuff; arguably the more responsible thing to do. Instead I’ve been working on the final two units of math in the last booklet I have to do.

-Finished organizing stuff in notes for submitting after having seen a counselor on Thursday.

-Took a risk: decided not to make a ‘double copy’ w/stuff written in Spanish. Worrying about possible ‘moral ___ ‘ by being ‘expedient’ that way imo.

-Went to a ‘follow-up’ appointment yesterday morning as I have been doing for weeks now, while in a mindfulness activity related group I am in; explained current school worries to the person.

-Went over stuff about acceptance. Before the stuff about actually interacting with ppl which will be covered in the following weeks.

-Was kind of ‘touchy-ish’; I’m very thankful for her having written ‘take-away’ notes meant for me.
-Contacted sister. Went to ‘Red Hill learning center’.

-Person who I’m submitting it to told me that I only have exactly one year from the I register to finish the course.

[Etc,etc,etc]

3 courses:

-1 I don’t think I ‘can’ even fail but would not like to ‘under-attend’ to, not the least b/ I wouldn’t like to let the teacher down (accounting)

-1 in which I think I might wind up having ‘more or less’ the same marking entering the exam as I did last year when I failed the course by ~5%; I have issues with any one entry which has more than an attached 20% grade impact to it---this concerns me

-1 high school course which I can rant in a ‘negative like way about’…with the submission of the final booklet on what came off to me as ‘the second easiest unit’, it is more likely that the current mark which ¾ ‘covered’ will remain the same or even increase a little bit; according/after to a talk with certain tutors with 70% of the course ‘on lock’, hypothetically I could not even attend the exam with attached to 30%, and still pass by the marginal amount which I have craved.

-This has to be done before the 18th of December. The third week of December which begins with a 13; .i.e. the same week as the community college exams I’m taking. An appointment on Friday of that week; I think I’ll go write the exam at latest on December the 15th.

My understanding notwithstanding.
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“A stalemate where everyone has a weapon pointed at someone else. All the threats are equally balanced to ensure a mutual disadvantage; no one is walking away from this standoff with what they came for.” –the first paragraph on tvtropes of what a ‘Mexican stand-off’ is.

What ‘neutrality’ might mean to me with my negative like attitude or world-view or such…what I’m tempted to draw comparisons of this too.

Thank you for being here for when it comes to outcomes. Etc,etc,etc.

For the past few hours, I’ve been wondering around the internet looking at stuff which is unsettling-ish, in an ‘extreme crime’ sort of way, which makes for ‘lurid’ stories and the sort of thing I usually don’t find it appealing to look into.

‘Slenderman inspired’ crimes, looking at character sheets on tvtropes about the TV series and literary versions of Hannibal Lector , thought briefly about comparisions of him to Dracula or the Wendigo and was looking at a page about gothic horror.

You can be assured that while doing, ‘flash memories’ of dip-cheese persons who’ve had unwitting influences on my life flashed through my mind and that even as I’m typing this right now the voice of Anthony Hopkins is ‘sounding off’ as my conscience/ resolve and won’t settle down unless I say imagine the voices of Gunter Grass of Phillip Seymour Hoffman as a Günther Bachmann saying stuff in Spanish..having just typed that I feel like looking up John LeCarre stuff but I won’t, and I’ll kind of get to why..

[imo:I feel inclined to call intrusive thoughts ‘visual schnizophrenia’; I had some substantially horrifying ones over the summer season—an expert suggested a book to me to work through, I took it out from a library and it is comforting to know it is around even though I’ve been reading a book about Rafael Cadenas literary work instead; I find it less appealing to work through the recommended book when the personal connotations of an accounting and Microsoft word class hover over me like creatures colored to look like ]..

On one of the character sheets for Hannibal, I saw tvtrope called ‘friendless background’ and it led me to a cracked article http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html where lines like this..

“Annoyance is something you build up a tolerance to, like alcohol or a bad smell. The more we're able to edit the annoyance out of our lives, the less we're able to handle it…The problem is that peacefully dealing with incompatible people is crucial to living in a society. In fact, if you think about it, peacefully dealing with people you can't stand is society. Just people with opposite tastes and conflicting personalities sharing space and cooperating, often through gritted teeth.”

Which reminded me of a former crush who used that word (annoying) unhesitantly and glibby on me and whose personal disappointment to not respond to me on various question after a several year absence is one reason, I was seeing someone over the summer regarding instrusive thoughts. I’m thankful for her, for having looked at this blog somewhat.

I can look up stuff about John LeCarre, but it mainly seems appealing to me right now b/c of me thinking about how irl/'the meat space' he was an actual spy of sorts, and I'm (morbidly(?)) curious how by how such possible ~'quasi-isolationism' was justified by the line of work.
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I do this b/c I realize how I have making excuses for myself to not do homework. My accounting mark is ~’fairly’ secured after having done online stuff and a test. This Wednesday is a test on *1* chapter and I’m anxious for not having msg’d the instructor yet on content, I don’t understand and me thinking that I might ‘fail her’ or let her down that way.In addition is the annoyance of having to arrive in class by 8 a.m. b/c of how my ‘barely passing’ marks in the MS Word class have compelled me to do this…

…I feel like I’ve been put in a spot where it’s more about risk management than learning. I’ll admit how I do practice ‘the sacrament of Confession’ in spite of being /ranging from an agnostic to (*emphasis on the adjective*) ‘functional’ atheist.

I will admit how the resentment within the complicated relationship I have with Catholicism is due mainly in part to the deeply unpleasant math teachers I came across , the seemingly ‘ontic’ injustice of a poser teacher being on staff for the past few years of a community ...

[ Continued ]

Derailment.Ugly reminders.

A transformation has been completed for one more of my grandparents.

Both are at another's side and then some and one of their offspring continues to be my dad.

April,5th,2016-2:30 p.m.
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"Things which are material have a location" ~paraphrasing Olly Lennard

...surpassing unbelief and belief..

No knowing is one the most human forms of freedom there is.

Earlier on today I was bothered by how,my dwadling on when I should eat aside, I wasn't able to practice on Dreamweaver b/c for some reason I couldn't edit the template " >_< , -_- .
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My previous uptake was on my birthday and what's been logged in includes how..

-I've listed instances in my life which I've found relaxing,put up things about appealing links, how I think of a "sneery scowly" face as being representative of how I view life and ppl when out in public and how one of my cousin's became a mother

-A listing of insights which I think are important

-The unfortunate passing away of ladybugs,how I've fared with schoolwork and my new found appreciation of secretarial type work

My attitude has changed and it's reflects in how I write--I don't be so copiously elaborating and that's a good thing if in my authentic mind things are un-upset.

Look I won't be surprised if the "gears revving down" on my writing is one thing which'll happen as schooling time wraps down. This is still a cool place to me but I'd just like to say how I'm not really sure when the next time I'll be here will be and how.

Moderators I like you good ppl. May anyone fare well.