-I was enraged during an argument with my sister and mom after my sister suggested that I might benefit from dressing better.My eyes rolled and I said that I'll dress better when I learn/read up on making a fashion sense ^1.

I get snappy soon with my sister ^2 and make a remark that what with how she (and by extnesion they) pay way more attention to the ugliness,loudness of my voice and the ugliness of my aggresive facial language and gestures ^3 and started saying how the whole f---n world is so f---n taken away by godd--- first impressions,which in my life has made and broken my chances for rapports…none of them seem to readily able to get f---n beyond the ugliness of my voice and angry face and KNOW THAT THE MORE IMPORTANT THING IS WHAT *I’M SAYING* and can they plz back up there retorts.

They all start talking about "it's so you can attract the one [girl]" which coming from the mouth of someone in the "trendyland fortress" like my sister is in her final weeks there just affirms the opinion I have on teens and young adults being conformists a---holes who are the most treasured pocket of society and consumerism....why the h--- do they feel so strongly to "play the card" of "your never going to have a girlfriend with that attitude" when if I gave into my much more cruel inclinations I'd hound them and run them down with talking into tears with stuff about their identities ^4 .I say something out loud and my friggin sister ACTUALLY ASKS me to repeat it wondering what it was.

WHAT A F-----N RARITY FOR HER TO SAY THAT http://youtu.be/a1TyWS0-r1Q
I say some stuff,she’s says something different.See what I did there?.For all her knowledge on psych I essentially did something analogous to “a fox making hunting dogs lose it’s trail by swimming tru a stream so it can lose it’s scent”.I *KNOW* she’s too d--- smug to follow and keep on having an earnest interest in what her loser older brother is thinking^5.
Caution note to anyone who’d like to have a somewhat “tight”/close relationship with me:for now;if you have a point to bring up in a talk you d--- better be ready to back it up once I’m angry-yet another thing I wanna change this year ‘_’,truculent attitudes of this sort ^6 .
I steam off upstairs playing computer chess before calming down enough to play a tic-tac-toe like game called “.S.O.S” with my sister.I go to Mass and in hindsight I feel bad for how even after going to Church outta all things,I talk to my mom about how I’m still angry b/c of the talk on fashion earlier,how f---n near impossible it is to get my sister’s affirmation ^7.

By the way one f---n thing that shows the annoying a—language barrier is how my mom couldn’t understand that when I spoke of going to a gym for 6 hrs a day for a month whilst eating regularly and coming out “buff” enough that they’d lay off the my lack of bufness IT’S A HYPOTHETICAL SCENERIO/QUESTION .YES -_- mom ,I know that I cant do that anytime soon b/c of school (hence why I said “what if” it was done in a summer month) and mom I REALLY doubt that anyone would call social workers in b/c they find it unusual for a guy to be there for +6 hrs…..-_- …the whole godd--- Western physical culture scene of young men in the weights section for hours on end thrives/continues to exist prob.b/c of such an image.I have an easy inclination to f---n one-track/borderline extremist mentality (maybe truly in part b/c of Aspergers `_` ) that would make such a thing possible,all logistical arrangments made and with the possibility available for my convience.

I was crude enuff to retort how I don’t waste my time commenting on her and my sister’s weight ^8 so plz don’t do talk about my lack of buffness b/c that’s what I often feel from her.I might be “very slim” but for the most part I’m WAY more comfortable in the body I have now MUCH MORE than when I was a pudgy 9 yrs old with a limp and even less self-esteem or when I nearly destroyed myself by the end of August ’07 ...

[ Continued ]

I had burger which was spicy and had "hotter than h---" sauce. I *really* don't like it when they try to grab your attention by comparing a food to something supernatural of the infernal kind^1 .

There reflexes^2 of hatred and negativity have to be lessened.It's great to have learned that much and this much ^3 b/c it makes it seem that this is one of the most meaningful years I've had in a while.One of the most substantial meaningful years.

Ex.of a place to apply not jumping to my "hate reflexes" is my sister saying that she had no regrets about having moved out.I *could* punce on that and "go for the emotional jugular" using that statement of her's when she returns in Feburary-ish.Things *might* unravel slowly over the course of the next year about that .Though seeing the seethering antagonism that we had till sometime in September it might not be unveiled till then for which I'll understand if it doesn't till that time.

antagoism,two forces,dualism..makes me think of that Zorastrianism particulary b/c of the duality it has in that inspired one of the belief systems in Game of thrones I've heard.One about an"eternal fire" I think?.

D--- all this talk about my sister and nothing really yet btw me and my brother!.I mean sure's he way more receptive and while brusque still 200% more attentive than my sister.My dad will turn half a century old in less than 2 months now,my 90's media nostalgia will still be seen in the internet ^4.

I count myself in good fortune that I've hardly fallen to sickness if much at all from the stuff I thought would happen on day of illness I felt around Wednesday or Thursday b/c of a helpful combnation of my mom's hot/boiled lemonade,honey,cranberry and grapefruit juice and spicy stuff including today's burger.

Expecting:good stuff on year end retrospects like increases in appreciation and acceptance of non-hetero ppl marrying and doign their thing

but also expecting s---y stuff like that darn Robin Thicke song and it's rape subtext and the Miley stuff which is dumb "meh -~- " thing to get riled up over.

A challenge to myself:is this truly my last blog posting b4 the year ends ?.We might go to my dad's friend for New Year's eve.

[listening to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFTuYxpM7tU even with my complicated relation of love and hate with Kanye]

^1 As much as i know that's a common marketing ploy for spicy food in particular,which I like so much

^2 Really complicated reflexes but reflexes still..ad I know think that so much of what ppl learn to have to let go ,detach,get over,work thru,thru therphy etc is a lessening of reflexes.If it's learning to socialize that's a bit different I think,b/c there not only are you learning reflexes as you go and using what reflexes you have but you are trying to learn how be a usual optimized agent..optimizing agents (something from game theory b/c saying it's about optimizing agents is ONE defination of it,though not one of the better ones imo)

^3 All the stuff Ive learned this yr,which really got's it's ball rolling in March.

^4 Maybe with stuff about the LATE 90's this time around which I remember better though I can't think of anything to remarkable from that time other happy,shiny,cool,glossy R&B music videos ,boy bands and that anticipation we had on the internet's capacity which I think may be to painfully ironic to reminsce on ^_^ . `~` Ack,I see the same problem of unremarkability once...

[ Continued ]

Maybe their's a reason why my attempted post ^1 on my journal didn't make it thru and maybe there's a reason why it's felt like something I would've said aloud for an audio-log but I didn't mind losing it b/c while having some truth claims to it,it was done out of anger and ultimately about something trivial that I'd like to get around to changing anyhow.

- Added new year's resolution:Be less accusatory in conversation esp.with your sister

So I'll just pop into the intended subject line:

My power lust for things in Maslow's (hierarchy or network?) of needs.

b/c sometime ago I saw it as

http://blogs-images.forbes.com/stevedenning/files/2012/03/Maslow-rewired.jpg

it makes me think that were I to beyond the heft and fear I have of fufilling the left and right circles of the network the "blood spilled (effort)" just to fufill those two parts how much more work is left on the time available on a social clock that says I should've been started working long ago,1/2 a decade ago,that I should be as social as some quasi-mythical glib solicate in part b/c of dating at ~14 b/c in about another 1/2 decade I gotta be good enough to get espoused or my worth as a person will forever be "fairgame" for ridicule and questioning.

I'm power lusting after things that way more irresponsible ppl like my sister and some of my cousins have had

-a place of their own that is comfortably adequate enough for 6 ppl.B/c while I'd be up for 2 kids at the expected most it's that extra space for 2 more ppl that's to make up for the eventuality of unfavorable collatoral or contingencies in a good location

-a stable likeable occupation with a workload not going beyond what I felt in most of my school life

-freedom,elements of freedom avaliable for sculpting by me or the rest of my family
a car ^2

-other things... I no longer feel in the mood right now.
















^1 which was being typed up in a very angry tone on the seemingly faulty keyboard that sometimes randomly goes backwards in letter location and messes up the words I'm trying to say.Or when I inadvertly press a button that has some function that I don't know about,like how I lost said msg I was typing about when I accidently pressed alt.It's stuff like that (when I'm angry) that makes me particualry egocentric enough to think that the Universe has it againest me when I cant say something like how f----ng ignorant my sister is which brings me to the first real paragraph

^2 Not something as arrogant as a f----n BMW (will d--- Gen Y'ers get REAL >_< ALREADY D:< ? ) but whatever is the safest car in an accomadating size from an unembarringly old manufacturing date.I only dream of that driver-less Google powered Volvo b/c I assume I'm a c----y driver..with some optimism I'll say that's yet to be proven fully

I'm sorry (alias cuz J) for not having gotten you out of that scenerio.Even if I were to know more about social sciences could it have help in the execution of what I would've done?.

I think that the time is ripe for a reform in how social sciences are taught at school.It'd have to be carefully done though b/c unlike natural sciences the field can be twisted to someone's agenda all to ueasily and lose the objectivity so needed when trying to show and present the systemic complexity of human social behavior,interactions and relationships.

My dad is coming back from El Salvador tomorrow.

-I forgot to say that another New Years resolution of mine is to be much less vindictive
-A regret of mine in the the string of things that contributed to my lacking driving ability was not going go-karting with the sons of my dad's friends,one time
-My mom scolded my sister via facebook for having drank so much yesterday
-My mom said that (one of the reasons) she doesn't like to visit my second youngest aunt (for special occasions) is there insistance on her drinking even though she really doesn't like drinking (esp."hard" stuff)

Yesterday's Christmas eve was nice but also one of the most..interesting in a long time.My younger ~Gen Z cousin's are not without there own socialization/life problems.Or "alphas".For anyone from a big family esp.when it comes to distant relatives like cousins^1 has anyone ever noticed that there are few that have the most "social bravado",attitude,ego etc or whatever and they seem like they can easily command attention of the group?.Up until yesterday I thought that applied to only us and my fellow Gen Y cousins,the prime example (who's female) being Perla the one who's famously socially manouvered into my sister's circle with them having a high fondness for her.With my younger cousins it's two boys named after their fathers coincidentally .

Yesterday one of my favorite cousins eventually cried at the table.It had to do with the seperation of her parents and how she wanted to be with her dad and was there looking at how well her mom's/my aunt's side is so open and communicative unlike "the walls" with the ppl in her dad's side. A bunch of thoughts went thru my mind while seeing that.They handled and comforted her fairly well for the most part if not for the a few nuances that would consist of not bringing up (just a few) things^2 .Then (on a seperate note) she said something about some really debauched remark her crash said which caused a facial expression of mine that caused her to laugh about and say a whole buncha more times to get a photo of it -_- ^3 .The two male "alpha" cousins got involved saying they'd beat up the guy who said that to her (though I feel it had more to do with their pugnaciousness wanting a chance out than actually caring for the problem was).._. I feel bad for how I was again I was a bystander when she said "[xod_s] help me" expecting me to make social manoeuvers for her to get outta of that scenerio. Oh how many have suffered similarily b/c their more capable frineds wouldn't intervene when right in front of them?...-~- man I s---k.

After I had to cue my aunt that I wanted to talk to her away to tell her what her daughter told her and I'm wondering if that's something that's been brought up to her this Christmas day ..-_- ack.I was nicely surprised by how my Gen Z cousins have no issue with me sitting in their presense.I rather like it.Being an observer to the development of these kids now that my own mind has (functionally) come full circle unlike the state it was in when I was their ages and I *might* be able to contribute a godd impact to them unlike a lost cause like myself or predictable conformist conventionalist a---holes like my Gen Y cousins,sister and (to a sprinkling lil'bit at least on a superficial level) circle of acquainatances.


^1 You got outliers though.For example there are the oldest male cousin and to some extent the oldest female cousin.Funny,for a woman who has the certification to be a cleric if she so chooses (she was sorta perplexed when I asked her once for what denomination she could be a cleric for ...

[ Continued ]