The truth.To myself.I am no longer that scared boy that was always so afraid of losing his abilities.I've developed past that stage.

I'll admit something.There's a reason why it hasn't been until relatively recently at the ripe old age of 21 that I've become way more interested in physical activity.I'm restless.I'm flippin restless.I'm so fed up with how life doesn't give me a rest in the not exerting any effort 2 make me feel beat up,suffer and squeeze lots of effort with me resisting with reluctance as I feel like some crazy is putting my face on a razor sharp sieve that I wanna do what I wanna do preferably guilt free with a feeling of freedom and knowing that do what I wanna do isn't viceful (it's not like I'm robbing a store 2 get material stuff for example).In this case what I want isn't neccesarily material but more like tanglibly interpretive-ble attributes.Physical attributes that is.

With biotech I soon painfully learned how vital lab skills are and how it seems 2b that the common trend is that instructors are sorta snappy (not to mention all the liability of working with this material and equipment).With this program it didn't help that I was crying and trying to keep myself from balling my eyeballs out 1/2 of last semester while I sat there listening to almost undeciperable computer stuff that takes a long time to understand once u get past the fear of it ("logic is intuitive" my a--- -_-) which lives on in the a-- pain I feel with Java.Sitting in front of a computer feeling like banging your head b/c you dont understand wth this thing means and how to do it can make u pretty restless b/c it's stupid 2 feel stuck and trapped b/c of the limitations of the instructions yer trying 2 give a machine.I mean sure we cant all gain our muscle by never having touched a weight like gymnasts (I think) do but were not all looking 4 Olympic level stuff.That's one reason 4 me being interested in gaining finesse from dances of the sociable,recognized,been around for a long time and commonly recognized sort (like a lot of Hispanic dancing) instead of modern stuff that's supposed 2b ok,tolerated and not laughable at clubs (I'm looking at you "Harlem shake" and Gangam style if anyone still remembers you).

Huh.So often dancing these days is construed with sex like with a lot club style dancing and music videos.But why not corelating it with true fighting more?.Like semi-formally set down stuff with a foundation like with Capoeira NOT that stupid "Work that body" girl fighting stuff in the Nelly song.I mean after all..wouldn't that approach be lucrative anyways [Tee-hee].

It's incredibly interesting to have read up about martial arts for examples.Much more interesting then any run of the mill stereotypical stuff can tell you about the "tricks" in Asian martial arts or the overt "brutality" (as it's made to be with pop culture depictions) of boxing and wrestling and the full contact styles overly rated on like UFC.There spiritual facets to a lot of them (even Muay Thai),there facets of other aspects of physical culture parts like yoga as is well known ( a lot of exercises for Indian martial arts have similar looking movements) and dancing (the footwork of some boxers and most famously the footwork of Capoeira not to mention other traditional dances from around the world).I'd even say it's my interest in Capoeira's origins from African cultures which has gotten me into my latest music kick of listening to Afropop. DANG MAN!.I'd say that Afropop has some of the best english language music I've heard in a long time that's consistently fun and danceable while not being to "dirty".Blessings upon the ppl who...

[ Continued ]

I have a feeling that there's something 2b said/there is going 2b something said about what I said in yestredays last blog entry.

One thing that makes me wonder about my state of mind is recalling something years ago.Years ago while walking home with a friend from school one day while we were talking I got so angry (what it was we were talking about I unfortunately forget `_` though I wish I knew what it was we were talking about) that I let my *"angry voice" out to talk.My friend soon after said "See.If I saw someone on the street do that [or be like that] I'd think they're retarded".I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I did not self censor that word b/c I believe it was being used in the right context of describing the exact thing not used as a out of context offensive put down (which drives me mad *'-_- ).This was about 5 yrs ago and a lot of things have changed since then 4 me but that just came up today in my mind.Actually *why did* it got brought up today `~` ?.I know that,that's not true (me being retarded) despite having me having a like personality disorder.

* this was during the days when I had exagerrated and hyped up thoughts about what would happen if I blew my top

Even u if you have a menial job and dont find a job in the thing you are passionate in after having studied in it for a long time at least you have a certification in that field you like and can carry it as a trophy/badge of courage (b/c you actually went with your love for something despite the ridicule and criticism).Yes your in tuition debt,but it's better 2b in that sorta debt that came from something you loved instead of some utilitarian topic which you barely understand let alone can get a relevant job in.At least this way when you do get a job that's relevant to your certification it's more likely to be something you'll like doing

I'm saying this as someone who thinking back about how ppl say to "follow and protect your dream" it's much harder when your a teen at a grocery store and see the adults who make like minimum wage doing that stuff.`_` I dont know.From what I remember it feel a bit demotivating.Sorta like it's just better 2 sit at the bottom doing something easy,common to find and with good job security esp.after you hear each adults diverse bunch of different stories of why they ended up doing that,I guess.

*Sigh* and yet another reason 4 feeling bad about not having gone into graphic design and pursued some more art related stuff in high school esp.since the science classes in high school are unfortuntely miserably superficial a scratch on the surface before you get hit by brick wall in a post-secondary place -_- .

The age old mf-er: going into something out of sincere love and passion vs. utilitiarianism (aka 7 buzzkilling words -_-: "Does it put bread on the table?").It has it's facets like realizing the stuff you didn't expect etc and is more complicated.This seems much less significant when I cant put it with the big thing I wrote b4.

There's also intelligence vs. emotional maturity (which imo might be used 2 synmously blend in and out with the so called "emtional intelligence").Example I guess?:You can have a Ph.D in nanotech but you bicker with someone over a camera they broke of yours years ago,I guess.