when i was a child i had a dream. i was participating in a dark magic circle involving drums and a rite in which i sexually welcomed evil spirits in my body. i was very young when i had tht dream. the mere fact that a young child can have such a dream is bizarre. i don't know if i had it before or after being sexually abused.

lately i've been speaking to my therapist about the trauma of seeing my mother get repeatedly involved with men who mistreated her. no domestic violence or anything, but they were very possessive and jealous and many were liars and cheaters and literally all of them except the current one were clearly not mentally sane. plus, my house was very little and sometimes i could hear they and my mom making out or having sex (i didn't really know the difference) and once my mother's phone was broken so she borrowed mine and although it was my phone & my number her boyfriend kept texting her sexual stuff. that was absolutely disgusting for me and i think very irresponsible of her and that led me into growing up believing my mom was a whore.

and i didn't write about it but after my grandmother's death our 30 year-old stove stopped working. all the time the words "disintegrated household" were in my mind, especially after i went to my grandmother's house and thought about how all of these things have no reason to be together anymore.

on the other day i dreamed that the kitchen was on fire and no one seemed to mind. i tried to put it out but i couldn't because it was surprisingly resistant to water. it was an invisible fire that could only be seen with the lights out and it had an ultraviolet light. it burned nonetheless, and sometimes it turned into real red fire. my mom was with her husband in the kitchen cooking stuff and he was the reason she wasn't listening to me about the fire.

then tonight i dreamt that there came in my house a guy like in my country we call "rental husband", it's like a guy who can fix anything. he was super hot and we were attracted to each other. then i had a wound in my back and my mother and her husband appeared. her husband said he would heal me and that he only needed royal blood or something like that (i was watching game of thrones the night before). he healed me in a strange way that felt like he was putting a needle inside the wound. then i realized he had killed the hot guy and dumped his body in the river.

i feel like i'm getting to the core of something

wasp_rainbowarrior wrote:when i was a child i had a dream. i was participating in a dark magic circle involving drums and a rite in which i sexually welcomed evil spirits in my body. i was very young when i had tht dream. the mere fact that a young child can have such a dream is bizarre. i don't know if i had it before or after being sexually abused.

Interesting, it reminded my of my incubus dream- a very realistic dream in which I willingly let an invisible something have sex with me as helper imps held me down, and I woke up feeling as if my life force had been drained. The terrifying part is that I wasn't terrified until I awoke.

i believe it has a lot to to with how we experience compulsion, it's this sensual involvement with that which kills us... i could say that my biggest fear is submitting to my desires.

Yes I have the fear also of giving into my desires, also.