a couple years ago i couldn't wait to be alone, so i could read books and paint and watch my favourite shows. now when i'm alone i basically get anxious, can't do any of those things any more, instead i just feel sad and lonely and keep thinking about how much i want friends around me and also a lover. boredom hits me hard, but i can't help it. i basically just get sexually aroused (without actually wanting to do anything about it) and waste all of my free time looking at pointless internet stuff i don't even enjoy. i got rid of my addiction, but it's not like my life is any better. i just got back from traveling, i was on a winter course (i live on the southern hemisphere) and everything there was amazing, i was never bored and i had people around me all the time. i even made out with a boy. the thing is, i didn't feel anything when making out with him, i was pretty much bored and now i just want to escape from him (which is easy, since we live in different states). i keep thinking if there is any way for me to go back to the way i used to be or if this will be it for the rest of my life. i need to get back to therapy ASAP but it's just so hard to find a therapist i can trust. i also don't want to ask my mother for money to pay for it. and how will i be able to look at the therapist's face and tell him that i've become a pervert who exposes himself online? have i not been tainted enough by my abuser? why can't i just be normal?

it's been about a week since i've been chatting with these guy that wants to experiment with men. he's a year older than me and is aware of my issues. there's a big chance we might end up actually doing something. we exchanges lots of erotic messages. but today he proposed that we turned on our cams and masturbated. i couldn't resist and said yes. we masturbated a little, then he said he didn't want to keep going, because showing ourselves like that could ruin some of the magic of when we meet irl. and then i realized that i agree with him, and got to thinking about how i've created this online character that is so different from myself, knows no passion, no boundaries, no poetry. he is pretty much a sexual object. this might have ruined our chances, idk (his reasons might actually different), but it made me happy that he said that, both because of what i realized and because it showed that we both share a lot, and that he will see past the kinky online me. what have i done to myself?

yesterday i hit rock bottom in my cyber sex habits. showed my self to this guy and after it i immediately became digusted with myself. while for the past days all i could think about was cyber sex, today i didn't think about it at all. i guess i shut down or something.

last night i dreamed that my house had some secret passage which you gotten through and then you ended up on an identical house, but filled with empty being. i think i might have had this dream before, because i knew everything that was going to happen. in the dream, i would go, take a look at the evil beings, and then run away and shut the passage, because i thought "that's what i usually do", but instead i got lost in the way and didn't know where i was. the evil beings might come at any moment. then i forced myself to wake up (i knew it was a dream).

i think the dream was about that darker side of myself that i hide from everyone and that was running out of control. somehow, i think that the dream somehow cured me, at least for some time. it's not the first time that i notice sudden radical change in my behavior following an impactant dream. i guess the subconscious knows its ways.

i feel so lonely and at the same time i don't like anyone. i have to hide so much from the people around me. i pose as if i'm ok with being alone, but in reality i am incredibly lonely. i see all these couples and i become so envious. i'm an arrogant idiot, by the way, and i can't avoid despising everyone. how can i allow myself to love, then?

even if i could love, what chance is there that it would go somewhere? i panic when people touch me. i don't even know how to kiss. i'm becoming addicted to cyber sex. i think too much about it, i do it even when i'm not aroused and i can't seem to stop. i'm putting my daily obligations aside. i think i might be on the brink of a crisis. i almost scheduled real sex with a complete stranger, but i do it just for fun. no way i could do it without panicking. truth is, i need a god.

i don't know if there's anything a therapist can do for me. i just want to be born again.

every single time it starts to seem like a good idea to get intimate with someone, i get this rush of negative thoughts about the person and then i don't want to be qith them anymore! i wonder if it's some kind of defense mechanism so i can avoid physical contact.

the thing is, i don't feel like i can be with anyone.