yesterday, after an useless day, watched three movies in a row and went to bed when the sun was rising. slept until 2pm, woke up without compulsions. got aroused later and masturbated - probably shouldn't have, but it wasn't out of compulsion, just normal sexual arousal. it's good to remember i still have some normal arousal. now i feel i'm back to my productive life. no compulsions atm. i'm happy that i got out of it, i used to spend days trapped in that hateful whirl of nightmare. let's see how long it lasts now.

endep up masturbating to some porn, exhausted and depressed. a couple hours later got some sleep. woke up wanting to go online on a sex chat again. i'm on it. i'm on the haze. i've been sucked up by this demonis whirl which fights my best desires. genuinely tried to have sex in real life with a stranger today, but couldn't find anyone for it. there is one guy i could contact and it would work for sure, but i don't want him - thank god i sabotage my own attemps of sabotaging myself. i'm constantly fighting a war against a stranger who lives inside me. hellow, neighbour, come shake my hand, let me see your face. no need to destroy my garden. what are you in need of, for god's sake?

som about an hour after i said i wouldn't give in, i'm giving in. online on a sex chat right now, feeling sad about it, nobody interesting, full of people who are even worse than me. i'm probably going to close the chat windows soon and feel that "ok, i got over it, now i'm ok", but i will continue to feel a subtle need of getting in it again - or i can't concentrate on anything else. i might repeat this a couple times today, it will probably end up with me masturbating in front of a webcam to some stranger i don't actually find attractive after talking to 10 different guys who bored the $#%^ out of me. then feeling miserable and drained afterwards, and guilty, since my week-long effort not to do it went down the drain and once again i went against my religion - which is not imposed on me, since i'm the only person in my family who professes it, but rather chosen by me in the belief that it's actually true even though i can't follow it. to sum it up - i'll feel unhappy. writing about it helps, but not that much. i just want to have it written so i can talk about it with my psychotherapist later. couldn't even sleep properly from yesterday to today - something i've never had before, so something must be changing. let's be hopeful.

even when i'm not sexually aroused or into the "sex dreaming" state, sometimes i can feel it's lurking beneath my consciousness. yesterday i had a relapse. today, even though i'm not aroused or anything, i feel like i'm uncapable of doing anything until i finish what i began yesterday. almost as if a demon was forcing me into a standby state until i do what he wants me to. not this time, satan. i feel compelled to enter a sex chat, but today i won't give in. my sex haze from yesterday led me not to shower (i think daily showering is one of the biggest indicators for my well being). i'm going to shower now and try to do something useful out of my life. i'm keeping this blog as a register for what i do, think and feel. i tend to be very forgetful about these things.

for whatever reason, my posts and comments are not being updated on my blog. i will continue writing anyway...

today i had a relapse. spent hours reading reddit threads about gay sex, was very aroused. then i proceeded to chat with strangers. no sex date, no masturbation, though. first day of the week i didn't read the books i'm currently studying. i hate this. now it's so late that nobody's online on my sex chat, so i went to the kitchen for a coffee, mentally prayed and that took me out of the sex haze. after i finished drinking coffee and eating bread, i felt the urge to go again for cam sex - but then i felt i had an actual choice. i think i'm going to go read a book right now, who cares if it's almost 5am lol?

i'm confident that tomorrow i'll get back to productive living. it was making me so happy until now... i wonder how will it be like when i go abroad to study. the only time i was abroad i was confronted with such loneliness that i actually used hookup apps just to have someone to talk to. those were times of a strong compulsion - not to have sex, just to meet someone, anyone. but on these apps that means having sex with someone. i had sex out of being miserable. but that was only while i was traveling alone and with no good friends waiting for me at the end of the day... i do hope for the best. miserere mei deus, secundum magnam gloriam tuam...