today i was reading a blog post about how legalizing prostitution had terrible consequeces in germany. it listed all of the thing men could pay to do with a woman - all kinds of horrible, bizarre stuff which can only give pleasure to someone with a wicked mind and absolutely no normal mechanisms for sexual pleasure. i was absoutely horrified and compassionate about the poor women who were dragged into that.

it turns out that i have a wicked mind and no normal mechanisms for sexual pleasure. some time after that i began to think about it and noticed that it made me sexually aroused. been all day long avoiding the temptation of masturbating to porn and talking to strangers looking for sex. you see, it's not uncommon that when forcing myself to abstinence for a couple of days (usually a week, but this time it's been only 4 days or something) my "sex dreaming" state involves extreme pornography. it is absolutely weird to get sexually aroused because of something with 100% chance of giving me absolutely no pleasure, but only pain and feelings of depression and dissociation. how can i feel so strongly attracted to something which gives me no pleasure? where does that part of me who wants to be abused and thrown away live? what does it have to do with the rest of me?

sometimes i have dreams where i put myself on a sexually degrading place. usually the same feeling i get in real life, only more intense: a feeling of "here i go again, degrading myself because i might as well do it now since it's stronger than me and so i actually have no choice. i wonder if i am doomed to do this forever or if it will stop someday". that mixed with "what a horrible thing i am doing, having sex with this person and pretending i am feeling pleasure when at best i feel numb. i hope they don't fall in love with me". you see, for some reason people fall in love with me even if i don't feel anything for them whatsoever. i'm a 22 year old man and i've received no less than 3 marriage proposals. do i fake pleasure so well, and put myself as a pleasure object so well, that people think i am all that they always wanted? i'm only sure that what they feel for me is not genuine love - since they often have such absurd expectations from me that i realize they don't know me at all.

to be honest, yes, sometimes i feel things for them. usually something confunsingly between sexual attraction (no pleasure anyway) and falling in love. but it doesn''t last, especially because i start to feel a strong repulse for them after i have an orgasm.

other than that, i am fine. pretty productive and happy. sexual addiction atm is a dark cloud on my summer landscape.

i don't think i've talked about it before, but i am a semi professional musician. i find that practicing everyday, even if for a very limited time, and with repertoire that i'm fond of, makes me very happy and gives meaning to my life. right now i am listening to one of my favourite composers sung by one of my favourite musicians and that makes all my sadness go away. music is going to save me from myself. maybe it really comes from the divine song saint augustine and hildegard von bingen wrote about. i feel alive and happy, and i don't think anything could make me happier than what i am doing right now. i love music.

for the past days, weeks, i'd say even months, i've been feeling less and less inclined towards meeting strangers for sex. since september only once have i really attempted to meet someone (which didn't work out because as i was about to leave my house i discovered i had a mysterious bleeding on my private parts - thanks, bleeding?) and really, i'm not even having to make any effort not to go out and f*** strangers. the thing is, i still feel this powerful, almost always present urge to look for guys to meet and have sex with. basically i just enter a local chat of guys who want sex and wait for someone to talk to me. i talk to them provocatively, seduce them, add them on skype for a webcam show sometimes - without any intention whatsoever of meeting them. usually i just block them afterwards or never answer again. sometimes i feel like meeting one of them - always someone that is not online or can't answer my desires because of another reason, but if the person i want to meet becomes available i stop wanting to meet them. i really miss the thrill, the excitement of when someone came talking to me and sending me nudes on sex apps. from that part i took real pleasure - even though actual sex did nothing good for me and i usually felt disgusted with myself or even suicidal afterwards. i am haunted by a desire that per definition cannot be fulfilled. i know it gets worse - i've been pretty worse - but why can't i just be a normal person, or even live in celibate like i wanted to? why does it seem like i don't know what makes me feel alive anymore, except for sex?

since last posting here, many things happened. shortly before my cousin's death, i started having sex with strangers, what led me deeper and deeper into nymphomania. i had sex with a lot of strangers (basically any that would ask) and never felt any pleasure. i became really aroused, but sex never caught up even to masturbation. eventually i caught gonorrhea and went for a long time without sex, then i started it again. it would always drag me as if my free will didn't count anymore. I started going to therapy about a month before my first stranger and it helped me to control it, but what really helped me was my conversion to catholicism. i don't consider myself to be a sex addict anymore, but i still find myself unable to have a relationship with sex in which i don't turn into a slave. i haven't fallen in love for good 3 or 4 years (?) and i don't know if i ever again will. i did have sex with some guys this year, about 1 per month, but it was somewhat more romantic and they weren't (complete) strangers. i also felt little pleasure, however. i still struggle with the fact that fantasizing is much better than real life. i try to live in chastity without abusing it (forcing myself to celibate causes everything to worsen). in almost all cases sex results in me feeling miserable afterwards. i have traveled for the first months of this year and haven't seen my therapist since i came back home because, well, he is too expensive and i don't think he is that good. i cannot find a therapist that i can respect, but i also can't be without therapy. i am no longer afraid that i might lose control. i am afraid that i cannot find happiness. i dont know if i can love a man, i don't feel sexually attracted to women. i don't want to live in celibate forever.

it is with pleasure that i announce that yesterday my rapist died of a heart attack. i don't have to think about what he might be doing anymore. i dont have to make plans for hiring a hacker to check his computer for child porn. i don't have to worry about his own children. he is gone for good. i hope that he suffers in hell for all that he made me go through. anxiety, sexual disorders, risk behavior, fear of trusting people, panic. my only regret is not trying to take money from him. he was going to come for christmas, i'm so happy i won't have to see that garbage's face anymore. sometimes i worry about the people that loves him, but then i remember that everyone is probably better off without him. goodbye, sucker.