today i was reading a blog post about how legalizing prostitution had terrible consequeces in germany. it listed all of the thing men could pay to do with a woman - all kinds of horrible, bizarre stuff which can only give pleasure to someone with a wicked mind and absolutely no normal mechanisms for sexual pleasure. i was absoutely horrified and compassionate about the poor women who were dragged into that.

it turns out that i have a wicked mind and no normal mechanisms for sexual pleasure. some time after that i began to think about it and noticed that it made me sexually aroused. been all day long avoiding the temptation of masturbating to porn and talking to strangers looking for sex. you see, it's not uncommon that when forcing myself to abstinence for a couple of days (usually a week, but this time it's been only 4 days or something) my "sex dreaming" state involves extreme pornography. it is absolutely weird to get sexually aroused because of something with 100% chance of giving me absolutely no pleasure, but only pain and feelings of depression and dissociation. how can i feel so strongly attracted to something which gives me no pleasure? where does that part of me who wants to be abused and thrown away live? what does it have to do with the rest of me?

sometimes i have dreams where i put myself on a sexually degrading place. usually the same feeling i get in real life, only more intense: a feeling of "here i go again, degrading myself because i might as well do it now since it's stronger than me and so i actually have no choice. i wonder if i am doomed to do this forever or if it will stop someday". that mixed with "what a horrible thing i am doing, having sex with this person and pretending i am feeling pleasure when at best i feel numb. i hope they don't fall in love with me". you see, for some reason people fall in love with me even if i don't feel anything for them whatsoever. i'm a 22 year old man and i've received no less than 3 marriage proposals. do i fake pleasure so well, and put myself as a pleasure object so well, that people think i am all that they always wanted? i'm only sure that what they feel for me is not genuine love - since they often have such absurd expectations from me that i realize they don't know me at all.

to be honest, yes, sometimes i feel things for them. usually something confunsingly between sexual attraction (no pleasure anyway) and falling in love. but it doesn''t last, especially because i start to feel a strong repulse for them after i have an orgasm.

other than that, i am fine. pretty productive and happy. sexual addiction atm is a dark cloud on my summer landscape.