ever since i wrote that last blog, i've been well. i don't know what's going on, but i haven't felt any sexual desire ever since. i know that's not normal healthy human functioning, but i'm happy to finally have a break. i wish i never felt sexual desire again. no misery, no obsession, no haze, no guilt. i've been praying the rosary everyday and i'm impressed with how much i like it. i'm learning to appreciate the mysteries and how each one sheds a different light on the hail mary. even though sometimes, like today, it's one of the last things i do on my day and then i'm too sleepy (something i ought to change, btw), i still manage to feel so happy as a pray through the beads. i guess i found a job but i'm still looking. i'm loving all the music i'm playing and i think i found the next place i wanna go to study. at the same time, i'm managing to get everything done instead of accumulating tasks and not finishing them like i do when i'm euphoric so i'm hoping i'll remain like this for a while. also, i've noticed i feel this mixture of anguish and sadness every friday - i wonder why. i guess it's the medication but i'm still feeling excessively sleepy - i avoid taking naps so i don't mess up my sleeping schedule but i could basically lay down and sleep anytime everyday. even so, i feel alive and that's what matters. i can play, i can think, i can feel, i can see.

since the last time i wrote i haven't even opened the hookup app but i'm beginning to feel an urge. i spent the last days feeling down and disgusted at myself. absolutely no sexual desire. i just woke up now after sleeping all day long (about 13 hours sleep, waking up for lunch) and i still feel like going back to bed. i have no idea what's happening? i just know that i better go practice some music right now or i won't have anything to show my teachers and will basically lose a whole week. i lost only 2 days and it's already too much.

my priest was more understanding than i had hoped, in the end. i believe he might be even helpful with my process of conversion instead of just an obstacle as i had thought at first (how vain can i be at times). sometimes i wonder what would i do without religion. all my hopes of someday achieving a decent amount of joy for being alive stem from my religion.

i'm writing this as a guy asked me to go to his place and i'll write this when i come back. i don't want to do this but i feel that doing this will somehow distance me further from it. i will probably enjoy it sexually since i already know the guy (i'm gonna meet him for the third time), but i feel it will tear me apart on the inside. i will talk to the father at my church about my behaviour tomorrow and i don't even know what i'll tell him. i really don't think he will understand anything about why i do this and will probably judge me and reccomend something useless and refuse to give me baptism since i cultivate sin as a habit. well, here i go.

i came back a few hours ago. i didn't like how he treated me. i was actually afraid he would rape me at the beginning. as on the first night i met him, but not the second, i felt used. i got no pleasure whatsoever. i could not bring myself to orgasm and i told him it was because of my medication. i was genuinely disgusted for the most part of it and i'm having one of those moments when i wish i had no sexuality. i do feel i have now pushed sex away from me for some time.

something that has been making me very upset is the fact that a friend is still upset with me from when i ditched him some time ago (i wrote about him on mt post "carnaval", feb 28, 2017). i gave him some relationship advice on how to get rid of a guy who wants a relationship with him but whom he's not interested in and apparently he believes that what i told him to do is what i did to him before, when i actually got away from him because of all my issues with sex - which i have told him about, but i guess he thinks i'm #######4 him. i just wanted him to understand that even if i did wrong to him at first, pushing him away from me afterwards was undoubtedly the best thing i could have done to spare him from all the $#%^ that hit the fan shortly after.

not many new things have been going through my mind despite some new things in my life. i'm slowly realizing that a pretty high number of my friends who are around my age are going through hard times. yesterday a friend was feeling down and we would meet but she asked if we could do it today and i realized that it couldn't be today because i already had set a meeting with another friend who was feeling down! i am managing to get things done even though not as well as i'd like to. i've been feeling really tired (probably because of not having much to do that involves getting out of my house) and today the dose of my medication was raised. let's see how that goes. i've felt some compulsions this week on which i acted by having sex with the guy i had last had sex with instead of with a stranger, which didn't make me feel awful so i guess it was a good solution. i don't want to become a whiny person, but i'm still very upset and i don't believe i will stop being upset about the fact that i'm not taking joy from anything anymore. i talked about it with my psychiatrist the other day and i told her that it's not that i don't like the things i used to like anymore. i still like them, it's just that the energy i had to seek them before is gone. the course of the river is still there, but it's dry. i can still follow my path, but i have to do it by foot instead of being naturally carried away by the water.

spent my friday and saturday on a depressive episode. today i was fairly depressed as well but i can say i am not on my worse. i believe the medication must be working since i'm having shorter episodes. on friday i reinstalled the hookup app after being impatient because the guy i've been flirting with was busy and i haven't uninstalled it yet. i only talked to this guy i had sex with a couple times already. i'm pretty much ignoring the other ones. i didn't have sex with anyone. on friday i tried to masturbate after a very long time and i think the medication prevents me from reaching orgasm. i felt even less pleasure than usual. i'm starting to feel repelled about the guy i've been flirting with, probably because i felt the sex compulsion coming and my first instinct is to get away from people who belong to my real life. good news is, even depress i managed to practice and that gave me quite a lot of satisfaction about myself. and also i don't know if that's good news but my mother noticed that i was depressed for the first time ever.