"Emotional" sobrierty--it's something I realize that which is one way to call "relaxing" by.

It shows (maybe) in the last mid-term test I did this afternoon.
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It was an intermediate word app class test and tbh I hadn't studied for it the way i would've liked to. My reception and preparation of this week has not been a very good one.

While I practiced an exercise on multi-lining I feel that I "regressed" when I listened to the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy theme before writing the test. I felt like listening to music (i)but "shouldn't",I've been trying to get out of the habit of listening to hying music before a test or class and (ii) I feel like it was "regressive" particularly b/c of how around the turn of last year, I told myself I would like to give up "power fantasy" stuff and as a versatile as story-telling tries to be, superhero stuff usually is like that.

I go to the testing area where I fumble for like ~6 minutes (? ) looking for the file needed for the test even though, which I didn't find sooner on the shared (server?) b/c I thought my teacher's last name was something different.

I finally get to doing it and while it's not difficult, I take a bit long,fiddling with things since I'm not too well practiced--I don't really feel like I'd like to talk about whether I had a time extension or not --anyhow what makes me personally p.o.'d w/myself is how an easy 1/3 of the test wasn't done since I ran out of time.

">~< Arg..~20 more minutes a bit of text formatting and typing and I wouldn't been fine ! .

I "eat emotionally" after having gotten indescive w/whether I'd go straight to the gym after, (I didn't, I ate at an area near it) before deciding to bus home to do something my brother asked,which later on he gave a reason for it not having to be done.

*Then* I bused back up and went to the school gym for a while.

You know before I went to the testing area instead of water,the bottle I had with me was filled up with cranberry juice and I thought to myself " Huh. Bright red,sweet cranberry juice before this special occasion. Maybe I'll do better this time", but actually I think water would've been better. Had it been water I would've been occasionely drinking cold sips to quench me before continuing w/the test. This time, I was eager early one to drink a fair portion of it,sweetness rushing through me and I drank it more in fewer instances as time ran out.

This and a few things I've read today make me think-- I have *got to* work on my emotional sobriety. I can be expressive and emotionally visceral which is a good thing, but I do it so often I actually have trouble getting other things to motorize me.

I don't drink but if emotions were alcoholic beverages I'd be drinking from while talking, there would be times when it's like I sip wine to perk me up while talking to someone and other times when I'm p.o.'d and basically sloshed,obsessively ranty on some high-end liquer not many ppl are fond of before wiping out. Dang,it's handy to think of relaxation among these terms.

Relaxing,being relaxed, having "inner peace", consistent calmness, having not a passivity or indifference but a serenity in my attitude; that's *relaxing*,that's emotional sobriety which I'm not too good at.

Maybe hence,why at times particularly in the past, the psuedo-Stoicism and capping of my emotions I try to sustain before erupting like a volcano in a way seemingly spontaneous and uncalled for. It's like always looking like a silent,unnerving tough guy who guzzles an enitre hard-liquor bottle in a few seconds before acting aggresively towards someone he's been wanting to get too.
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A more positive example?. How behind my eyes when I saw .P.R. (the girl I liked from the first high school I went to) in line at the pizza place what I wanted to do was go like ":D AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!,xD IT'S REALLY YOU!,IT'S REALLY YOU!,IT'S REALLY YOU!,IT'S REALLY YOU! ;u; ",twirling her in a hug and giving her salutory kisses on the cheeks. ._. Yeah I know it would call attention and she would prob. not be cool with me doing that but d--- wanting to "burst out" like that after so many years is a craving.
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My other mid-terms: I went in to the HTML one confident having done exercises sent over the weekend-ish fine and minutes before the test but arg,how I got messed over simple internet related definitions I completely forgot about being included >_< and not knowing a few tags like the how to use the div one, modifying font and font colors and adding links. The elearn content of it has oddly been taken down since around the time of the test.

The digital transcription test I think might've gone well,having studied for it since I been worried about how I've been doing on the exercises-- ._. there's still the chance that what I was doing was 180 degrees "in the wrong direction" and I did terrible on it,not having to many instances were I've been doing well in the class lately.
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Overall I think I did better than "barely" pass but still mediocre in the off chance that I was gaining "solid full marks worth" per section I did not including the parts where I know something was missing or didn't finish like today.

Eportfolio. This break I'll do it.

-I have this thought that when I feel vindictive (or when I feel up to *acting* on my vindictiveness) I "think like a machine".

-One can internally debate whether a thought is true or not--but there's still the question of "is it helpful?". Odd how what might be called pragmatism,a philosophy (and sometimes "attitude") which can be as "teleologically sharp" as utilitarianism and instrumentalism (and could potentially be used just as callously) can become evident when it comes to taking actions which are healthy.

I'm listening to a Spanish language version of "Chandelier" at 6:19 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8M4o2G6KNM

Good quality lyrics video and idea.

I did something related to my past. I think to myself that I might not do it again and I get a bit of a jolt of self-direction to myself.

>:D YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o268qbb_0BM

Days before exam. Days before homework I don’t understand has to be submitted. Realize agai, I’ve got to be optimistic. And how!; philosophical optimism.

Weeks back I looked at a “Liebniz in 90 minutes” book and was kinda let down by how there wasn’t much going for Leibniz’s “best of all possible worlds” idea in terms of emotional affirmation unless you make a grand literary-esque projection on an idea of unifying science or ‘monads’ or something. Voltaire dissed it up in “Candide” and Bertrand Russell said it was a kind of optimism said to please princesses.

Lately though, I read the “Tao of Pooh”. Weeks before that I read a William Scott Wilson translation of the Dao de jing and aside from the pleasant short read of the actual sacral philosophical text (it reads like didicatic quasi-poetry) were two nice essays and a great intro that did not fumble on diving into explaining the historical veracity of how the book was probably written/came to be, a nice change from a lay-person talking about and gushing on about how it’s instricately mystical. I’d roll my eyes a bit, no offense to them; esoteric or not I like to get as systematic as I can pull off before leaving it as mystical.

What was nice about intro which continued throughout Wilson’s inclusions were the mentions of formlessness and not thinking. What was nice about the essay about the connection btw Daoism and Zen Buddhism was a mention of how Buddhism got modified into something consumable in a different albeit still nigh-esoteric way in China. Interesting mention of how Zen Buddhism is said to be “Daoism in Buddhist robes” and a friend of Wilson said it’s “Indian Buddhism with Chinese jokes”.

`_` One thing I got, a ‘take away’ was how Buddhism is quite comparable heavy ( `_` that *phenomenology* it has,man) while Daoism is quite *the opposite* in a fundamental sense. It’s about not using your cluttered head and following “the Dao” (translations include: “the way” and one that Wilson gave which I liked was “the *practice*) while operating with possibly no knowledge. I’m not sure I’m qualified to say that Daoism is “anti-epistemic” in a sense but that’s what I feel tempted to say.

^_^ I’M NOT,I’m sure as heck NOT saying “it’s stupid”. Misconception,mis-notion there; it might be about operating on an empty mind and “doing” but it sure as heck doesn’t mean stupidity. There was a part in the Wilson translation bringing up legendary Daoist figures who lived funky-ish lifestyle like a mention of a man who wore no pants saying “the world is my clothes” or something like that. Stuff like that (and drinking and it’s associations with drunken style marital arts) I’d feel inclined to say have more to do with the folk religion part of Daoism more than it’s philosophical or monastic component..although I’m really curious as to when and how acupuncture comes in `_` .

I lot can be said about action theory in Daoism-- ^u^ maybe “nothing” can be said about action theory in Daoism!. Interesting how the ideas of a clear uncluttered mind (three Daoist virtues I’ve heard are simplicity, patience and compassion) can hush up my mind in a sense and encourage me—at least that’s what it feels like I’ve found for the “English language expressiveness” part of me.

You know,it might not be Western philosophy but with it’s way of bringing up “favorability” (what it says about tellic priorities, your mileage may vary) within the big flux which is life..`u` I almost feel like saying ‘this’ is philosophical optimism on par-ish with Liebniz. And it’s a nuanced kind of optimism which I don’t don’t short-sighted or hokey to boot ^u^ !.

I say “almost feel like saying ‘this’ is philosophical optimism” b/c Daoism also can count as a religion..`-` makes me think “does philosophy within religions *ought* always to be optimistic?”..goodness knows many have felt (maybe more due to bad experiences with the internal cultures within said religions rather than being at odds with ‘founding thinkers’ within the religion) the contrary but this seems like a nice kind of pick me up for now!.

In Wilson translation was a last essay on Daoism and martial arts. When I read the earlier part about the history of Daoism in military and state theory, I got antsy. The parts where Wilson brings up Daoism and Japanese sword martial arts (I’m actually surprised he didn’t pick Tai-chi) got my attention. The ideas of “no mind” and “being formless” in combat is important since not being intuitive and messing up can be fatal. Daoist ideas can lend itself to that even though Wilson brought up lines where it’s said pacifism is espoused in the Dao de jing. There was mention of “the book of five rings” and other stuff.

Besides the point is how lately I’ve been wondering about taking up Tai-chi again. *This time* as a practice from qi-gong and NOT as a martial art as I got carried with last time. If I had to pick just one qi-gong practice to do, it might be the “eight brocades”.

Another part of Daoism isn’t just “the Dao” itself but “Te”-“virtue”.

If it's one aspect of sophomoric behavior which i think is harmful is when it's potentially leads to aggression or harm to women. To use a personal example,I'm ashamed of having done `_` ._. , when I was little chasing and/or beating on my sister was something which I kind of looked forward to doing-- =-= yeeahh;definitely not something to follow on w/ when your older. I would not be surprised if having gotten habitualized to doing that as a kid is a reason why men sometimes are kind of problematic in the sense of expressing aggression towards women and h-- in all honesty my resentful behavior towards my sister,something I've been addressing to for ~2 yrs now,might very well qualify as that,I'm sorry to say. Sophomoric and immature at one of it's worst points.


Thinking about the Dec 15, 2014 2:06 pm journal entry I made and the frivolous >~< "Freudian inspired" remarks some ppl jokingly make about why a man might have issues w/women,when for flip sake it might very well have to do w/women they grew along *with* (sisters and cousins) and not their mom's.

It might be that my brother's more clear mind and greater-amounts-than-me of optimism and looking at the positive of things, will get him through the funkiness of the functions and whatever amounts of calculus will be touched upon in the electrical or computer engineering tech programs.

^u^ I'm glad that my old anxieties about math have simmered down as have the anxieties of old teachers yelling and such,enough. I might still like and admire calculus and such but if I could get a wrap-around for mathematical logic that might fill my cup of tea.

Happy 2015 world autism awareness day.

Something,something "men and women have different priorities" --I remember someone on a bus saying that..I could talk about that.

I realize how when I get angry or really saddened I actually have an easier time finding something to laugh about,it's easier for me to get in a giggly mood when I'm in such a mood rather than relaxing..

I'm not saying it (the laughing-ness) is escapism from the negative mood I'd otherwise find myself in* but I do notice it's easier for me to pull off a manic-ish laughter when I feel under pressure than it is for me to relax.


* Though there was a nasty period in my life ( the remainder of the year after June 2007) when I took the idea of laughing a lot to relieve myself to a distorted extreme and while I did eventually stop, it took the nasty twist of watching "The Dark knight" on the same day I visited my dad in the hospital to vividly hit at me how twisted what I'd been doing had been..that and I guess as well (a little bit) regretabbly watching "The Watchmen" in theaters with my mom and brother `_`
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Reading poetry is relaxing.

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*Sigh* -____________- Exam week.

I know that it's not like I'll be getting zeroes on my exams b/c I no more than nihl but if I pull off barely passes,I'm not to sure I'll be passing these classes.

>~< How I wish a "don't write the exam,take your final mark and leave" thing could be done.

-Why don't you like the exams?

-B/c of how little I have to show for what I know?

-But you know that once you see it's little more than test which you end up kind of wishing you'd prepare better for

-Yes but the feeling of futility when you can't even summarize ~1/2 a semesters worth of lessons meant to be practiced just gets to me man >:l ! . I mean I don't mean it's hopeless but I'm pretty let down by both (a) my mood and (b) the time until we get to exams and cramming it all in to pull off something well! >~< @_@ ..

-You will be fine

I was particulary nihlist writing my HTML exam.I hope, I at least passed.

The breathing exercises I've taken up: when I was writing my exam,not being able to/not having gotten into the habit of doing an 'exhale' component go the better of me.

In the breathing exercises I've taken up, I've only been doing inhaling but not exhaling. Silly as this may sound for something so mundane, "it's harder" to do an exhale component.
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"Everything which is psychological is biological"--first heard it from Hank Green.