2012: My entries were short and I was plainly complain-y. I did that one entry in Spanish,I hadn't yet made a journal here and I was struggling in the software support program. I recognized the hardship of homework but did I realize the relevance and importance of decision-making,freedom and volition. Noooo. Unfortunately not yet.

I went on a mainly about my feelings from how I felt that day at class and ruminated on stuff from the past like "the smell of my childhood" and the last high school chem teacher I had representing an archetypical "successful/achiever" yet kinda run-of-the-mill conformist 20-something. Don't get me wrong,I got along with her most of the time but I dunno if she's really someone I'd like to hang around outside of her work were I her age<--keeping the thoughts of what I had of her years ago.

I said how "Life has got "clearer" as I've gotten older even though I'm not smarter",clearer here can be be *emotional clarity I suppose. Around that time my interest in martial arts kicked in. Few things like that particular "intimacy" of combativeness to motorize yourself to be fit. I know that for some ppl it helps calm them down and expend their energy into being self-disciplined but (for me) little did I know at the time, that I'd eventually feel (b/c I actually had a person in mind I craved to spar with,later on) how irregardless of the style (*FOR ME*) it's a glamorized excuse to wittingly and unwittingly amp up and expose my aggression more often. However I learn to like low-impact exercise .
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2013: Still do entries that are short-ish. I notice "the fallacy of relative privation" in a longer one made Feburary. I get rantier and fantasize-talk about my approach to exercise and all the special stuff that'll come out of it. It includes a mention of how I'm restless of life always seeming adversarial to me and that by exercising I won't feel as prone to feeling "beat up" by it. Sometime around here I was in inner turmoil about switching out yet again.

"That's how you look at the past:by picking out the right stuff 2 look back on." was an interesting quote from back then. During a showing of an "inner dialogue" I mentioned even back then how I really ought to read books on reasoning--"^_^ augh!,that's still a badly neglected aspect of my "philosophisizing" I still gotta work on and intending to esp. since I've gotten a much better grip on emotional clarity since those days. I regret having said something bad about a physics teacher who said something about how I look like while writing,she's a nice person,really.

It's funny how much I talked about whatever meager exercising I was doing. I notice differences btw how I expressed my anger in the entries before entering "general arts and sciences" and now. The mention of what I thought was going to be my last lapse is there "^_^..truth be told some "incidents" happened around the end of this September after over a year,but I feel better now. My interest in martial arts, my sister having moved out, I was less hesistant to show how moodey,agitated and overall aggressive I was. A bad thing.

I think that maybe around the time of last September the thought of "if I do bad things,I gotta do something good to 'neutralize' the effect lest life dish out something bad at me" started to slowly cede. A word that was left untranslated "deprimido" means depressed in Spanish. To think Magnolia only passed away last October. I'm thankful to the moderator janjones for editing a few things for "privacy".

.__. I regret the eating habits I took up around that time. Again ,amazing to think it's hardly been a year since then. Thinking back about how picky and stringent I was with eating healthy,particularly when it came to avoiding cooking oil makes the current trend of "doing a 180 spin" and liberally eat sweet baked goods seem not as bad. I remember how it felt like to avoid calories thataway by reading back on what I was doing .

Maybe I've gradually lessened *the amounts of time* spent "navel-gazing" as I've gradually increased my ability to have clarity. By the year end I felt that,the whole year had been quite meaningful.
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2014: Now we start getting closer to more familiar feelings. I still bring up my upset-edness at my family earlier on plus still bring up broad and abstract ideas in my postings. I got sorta carried away with how obscurantist I can get to be and fiddled the heck with punctuation and my attempts at superscripting.

Around this year I posted things I said in other places as well.By May, my obsurantist vibe diminished more.I realized how I 'overshare' and can be overly ranty at times. I briefly say in October how my hands are full with handling school and last month I big realization in noticing how my emotionality is somewhat different depending on whether I'm expressing things in Spanish or English.
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My complainy-ness,my obsessiveness,my anger,my aggression have all diminished and changed significantly from when I started writing here only two years ago. It feels good to know that I've done "average" amounts of change. The qualitative changes-- ah!,that's been awesome!.
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A significant enough portion of humanity likes to think that all of humanity is built on the backs of achievers and is reluctant to utterly ignore the realm of instinct and impulse and those who operate on it. It doesn't mind leaving hardly understood and this quite a bad thing. It also isn't hesitant to write off and dismiss sensitivity,particularly to paradigms and commiting to them as ineffectual and worth ridiculing. I ask for them to look at what is motorizing the mobility they have to seemingly move in any direction with obstruction.
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I'd like to enter a phase where my power-fantasizing diffuses. All the years of mulling over circumstances and thinking *why* their there...almost like there inevitable. I mean sure some "structures" are definitely worth scrutinizing and not neglecting. True there are things which are can be said to be nigh-inherent to reality and it's super cool to be able to know it and continually foster knowledge.

But I've greatly undermined the creative process that comes with realizing what freedom you have and how it goes hand in hand with your decision-making and volition. It's a part of developing *skills* and being a processural agent you see. This why thinking things over so much can be counter-productive sometimes.
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I suppose I'll always have a kind of insight that can see incompatibilities (and thus conflict). I also suppose that one of the more negative parts of me is a kind of contrarian d--ishness inside of me. I'm one emotionally charged and emotionally visceral dude and I have a habit of thinking out loud.

One common element throughout this blog of mine so far and other places where I express personal things is that I have an underlying dislike,fear and hatred with growing up,which is a funny thing coming from a guy who so often "get's ahead of him" onto big broad things even though he has no idea how to *live in the present*.

To be frank,I am still quite afraid. But things will get better. There's a part of me saying I only realize that I gotta ditch out of self-indulgence and power-fantasizing more,b/c I'm becoming more aware of my mortality (.i.e. my aging). Whatever though. That doesn't stop me from wanting to develop quadrants of my life. Something like an agathist via optimism.
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As far as new year's resolutions go I would like to no longer be such a "gutterhead" . It's stupid that sometimes the only thing that I can be certain will put a smile on my face are dirty jokes. Reading "cracked.com" has something to do with this. Lately I've been feeling that more than just a learning process my affinity for humor and funniness is starting to act more like a defense mechanism when I'm agitated or have a hard time following something. It can get a bit "out of control" where I'm like the only laughing.

A particularly embarressing instant of this was in literature class when we listened to a Junot Diaz story read out loud. It was off-collar as heck and I was probably the only one indulgently laughing b/c it caught a very vulgar take on Hispanic culture and mannerisms that I'd NEVER thought I come to cross as something being looked at in class. My teacher brought it up after (me laughing) and in hindsight it was quite immature of me to do,~left on shell of an impression I don't wanna leave on others >_< and just b/c it spoke to my "Hispanic-ness" doesn't mean I can more easily and unhesitantly laugh me head off at some really gutterhead-ed and sad stuff.

I also want to be more participatory. A stepping stone towards increase being socially active.
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Today I realized,I think that deep down no one wants to see others angry or disappointed.

" Lol just be the person u needed when u were younger,Let that be ur quote of motivation"-my brother
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Around the end of the year "DJ Earworm" release a mash-up of several chart-topper songs throughout the year in an annual "State of pop" song. A few days ago I watched a compilation of the ones for 2007-2012 and it was like a condensed version of the tunes I heard during the cruddier parts of growing up. I also listened to the 2013 one. It'd be cool if I found something like this for Hispanic music.

A few weeks ago at school I listened to 2014 one while I was at school. It really resonated with me. So I'd like to leave off with this as my "note of encouragement". I hope that whoever chooses to see it,like the moderators might find something likeable in it even if the compiled portions of the music videos themselves don't resonate with you. I hope any taste differences in meant audience age demographic targeting don't bother you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjYWwZYLYEs

In case I don't pop up her until next year janjones,Ada,RememberRonni etc, happy holidays and new year's.

Even here,on something I made so recently I notice how I make typos.One paragraph I'd like to clarify

A significant enough portion of humanity likes to think that all of humanity is built on the backs of achievers and is [not] reluctant to utterly ignore the realm of instinct and impulse and those who operate on it. It doesn't mind leaving [it] hardly understood and this quite a bad thing. It also isn't hesitant to write off and dismiss sensitivity,particularly to paradigms and commiting to them as ineffectual and worth ridiculing. I ask for them to look at what is motorizing the mobility they have to seemingly move in any direction with obstruction.

Thanks.