the last days have constituted maybe the happiest time i've had in 2 years or so.

i got involved with a man in another town. from the beginning i knew i didn't want to behave like a slut to get his attention. i knew i wanted something more. he came on to me. it was the most romantic kiss i've ever had, as if it were on screen. we were together for 4 days, he kissed me on the third day. so we had only 2 days as lovers together. it was the first time i felt spontaneous around someone i was involved with. i've always had a strong tendency toward acting around lovers. but this time i didn't have to pretend because it was all there. i almost cried when we kissed goodbye, but i had to return to my town.

we didn't have sex. we had the opportunity, but i didn't want it and i believe neither did he. i was too sad because of our breaking apart, and all i wanted was to be around him with all the tenderness in the world. i didn't feel repelled by him or by the thought of him at any moment. i couldn't even smell this most disagreeable "human" smell that i always can when i'm around men. i just wanted us to embrace for all eternity.

then i left, and ever since i feel like a great deal of happiness has come back to my life, even if tempered with several shades of melancholy. i could tell him how i really felt and i kept seeing his face every time i closed my eyes. a few moment ago i decided to masturbate thinking of our last moments together - now i can see the weirdness in it - and as i began all these emotions came back. not sexual arouseness, but sadness, love, affection, missing him. then i realized that although his figure has been all around my mind, my feelings for him are somehow blocked and i could only access them through sex. after i came once again a stopped being able to access all these delightfully painful sentiments.

how much of my sexuality has been determined by the fact that i can't have any emotional closeness with other men except during/by sex? will i ever be able to form non-sexualized connections with my equals? how much of the way i relate to women is also conditioned by that? what would happen with my sexuality, if this sexualized way of feeling were ever dissolved?

i see that every new involvement teaches me something new about myself. that tranquilizes me for the moment. i am making progress. for example, i installed hookup apps during my trip (wanted to meet new people) and didn't get any addictive experiences towards them, and eventually realized they had really nothing to offer. i uninstalled them with no struggle at all. but there is still an awful lot of open questions about who i really am and what sex and affection really do/mean to me. the journey towards finding out is not always marvellous as it was this time...