i feel my old joie de vivre is finally coming back to exist. as a counterpoint i feel really lonely, especially for the fact that i am just one in a bed since a long time. i did sleep with someone (crazy story) but it was just one night and without any real meaningful connection between us (he was making many advances but at the same time seemed somehow uncomfortable... did i sleep with an older version of me?). however, i am learning to be organized and not to let myself despair when the world seems to demand too much from me. i've been quite low on motivation as well - although i am learning to do things even if they don't excite me at first. sometimes i feel like my better mental health allows and demands me to radicalize my sex habits even more - but instead of jumping out of the boat i try just putting my feet into the water and then i eventually remember how cold and dark it is out there. i'd rather stay on my boat than listen to the mermaids who just want me to follow their promises to the bottom of the sea. but oh, how i do miss having someone beside me under my blanket. i feel really uneasy everytime i use a dating app. maybe the only way for me is to let go of them once again until i begin feeling uneasy for NOT using them. the biggest mistake in my life was the first time i cammed with a stranger from the internet. that was the beginning of the obsession that has now been following me for 11 years. i want to be free from the desire of being desired. i want to not care about how desirable my body is. i want to be unpleasing and discomforting. i want to be able to control my urges.