i haven't had any ups and downs as i had before. of course, i still struggle with my sexuality, but it doesn't destroy me. it's been a long time since i did something i didn't want to do during sex. i am having genuinely pleasurable experiences. i did feel compulsions and acted upon them, but that didn't destroy me like before - also because although i still don't feel in control of my urges, i do feel in control of how i act upon them. it bothers me a lot that i still can't properly resist and fight them, especially because of my religious sense that it is wrong (which is what holds me together as well), but i have just learned to accept that i am not able to be good just because i want to - especially if i have other conflicting desires.

i even managed to fall in love. i only realised it when i began to be rejected by the object of my love, so it might be just as well a reaction to being rejected. we'll have to see. but fact is, i was able to mantain a stable sexual connection with romantic linings for months without feeling disgusted by the person i was with. i still think about him often, i still dream about him sending a message excusing his cold manners and saying he wants to get back together. but i manage not to humiliate myself by going after a person who is just not that into me.

i am being able to mantain a routine and bring forth personal projects. i am exercising regularly. i don't have the feeling anymore that my body is brittle and useless. of course i have my ups and downs - i am clearly sleepy all the time and if i could i would honestly just lay in bed forever, but i am not letting that ruin my life. i did have a manic episode a couple weeks ago which culminated in a sex marathon, but that only taught me what the exact trigger to my hypomanic mood is, instead of destroying me inside. so i get to say that despite my unstability, i am stable. i feel however that this is not yet my natural state. i am not on medications, but i do have a constant, intense feeling that something wants to come out but can't. i guess i'm gonna have to wait and see. i hope i don't get lost again.

Well hello! Glad to see a blog post from you! You sound pretty good; I'm glad you seem to be holding things together much better than things used to be for you. Hugs, if wanted, and good thoughts for you!

the way i used to live sounds like a distant reality, but at the same time i feel like i'm walking on a rope and under me it's a deep abyss. I just can't let myself be taken by the presumption that i'm ok once and for all. hugs! i hope everything's well with you as well.