yesterday i dreamt that my late grandmother was once again alive. i was alone at her old home with my younger sister. we were both asking ourselves how could it be that she came back to life. she seemed very well physically, just like she used to be in her best days when i used to spend long afternoons with her...

then i saw a small doll lurking outside. me and my sister were terrified when i saw it was annabelle. then i realized someone had made a pact with a demon to bring my grandmother back and keep her alive. and the demon was coming for us, we locked all the doors although i knew the demon had the power to come in, had he wished to do so... and this is how my dream ended.

in real life i'm not really afraid of annabelle since i haven't even seen the movie. i suppose i will tonight. but once again comes the theme of someone performing dark magic to do something that pleases me, and then me becoming terrified after i discover the deed.

when i adopted a protective attitude towards my mother and my grandmother - the reason why i never told my mother about how her behavior towards men bothered me, the reason why i never told anyone about being abused by my cousin and many other things that i endured by myself - i made a pact with the devil. i was preserving my loved ones from the knowledge of terrible things while paying for it with my own soul. that was when all the nightmares and visions started...

i want to quit. i will do whatever it takes to get rid of those demons... i am even considering the possibility that i might be actually possessed in some degree...

when i was a child i had a dream. i was participating in a dark magic circle involving drums and a rite in which i sexually welcomed evil spirits in my body. i was very young when i had tht dream. the mere fact that a young child can have such a dream is bizarre. i don't know if i had it before or after being sexually abused.

lately i've been speaking to my therapist about the trauma of seeing my mother get repeatedly involved with men who mistreated her. no domestic violence or anything, but they were very possessive and jealous and many were liars and cheaters and literally all of them except the current one were clearly not mentally sane. plus, my house was very little and sometimes i could hear they and my mom making out or having sex (i didn't really know the difference) and once my mother's phone was broken so she borrowed mine and although it was my phone & my number her boyfriend kept texting her sexual stuff. that was absolutely disgusting for me and i think very irresponsible of her and that led me into growing up believing my mom was a whore.

and i didn't write about it but after my grandmother's death our 30 year-old stove stopped working. all the time the words "disintegrated household" were in my mind, especially after i went to my grandmother's house and thought about how all of these things have no reason to be together anymore.

on the other day i dreamed that the kitchen was on fire and no one seemed to mind. i tried to put it out but i couldn't because it was surprisingly resistant to water. it was an invisible fire that could only be seen with the lights out and it had an ultraviolet light. it burned nonetheless, and sometimes it turned into real red fire. my mom was with her husband in the kitchen cooking stuff and he was the reason she wasn't listening to me about the fire.

then tonight i dreamt that there came in my house a guy like in my country we call "rental husband", it's like a guy who can fix anything. he was super hot and we were attracted to each other. then i had a wound in my back and my mother and her husband appeared. her husband said he would heal me and that he only needed royal blood or something like that (i was watching game of thrones the night before). he healed me in a strange way that felt like he was putting a needle inside the wound. then i realized he had killed the hot guy and dumped his body in the river.

i feel like i'm getting to the core of something

a couple weeks ago my most dearest grandmother fell very sick, and went to stay in the intensive care unit for the third or fourth time just this year. this time she couldn't make it, long story short.

i had plenty emotional experiences which i don't wish to share here because they belong to the socially acceptable part of losing someone. in sum, it was not so hard for me as i always thought. every time i've cried for the past years for real reasons (not fiction), it's been because of her. sometimes i missed her, sometimes i thought about her death. thinking about it made me desperate. but i was ok when it actually happened. i believe it hasn't hit me properly yet.

on the other side, if one takes a look at my first blog posts they'll be able to see she was one of the main reasons why i kept the abuse i suffered in secret for my whole life. after her death i felt a strange relief, as if a knot had been untied. i later came to the conclusion that i've built my whole life around keeping that secret from her and my mom to make them happy. i thought a lot about why she had to die now and i believe that it was because i was living one of the only moments when i could handle everything in a healthy way. i haven't had sex since then. i've had my compulsions - very strong, destructive compulsions - but it seems that my joie de vivre is finally back. i cut the dose of one of my meds to half without my doctor's advice and that made me feel much better, later he told me that it was ok to do that. i've been progressing personally and professionally and it finally seems like the world is my workshop again. she left exactly when i was at my best. i spent my whole life taking care of her without her knowing and in her death she took care of me...

i started writing this yesterday and fell asleep. i always write so late in the night and that happens often. today i dreamed that i was gonna have sex with this guy that didn't accept the fact that i didn't want him anymore, whom i discussed in a previous post. then i went to a public bathroom before and there was the cousin who abused me - my second dream depicting him - he was naked and we talked about the guy i was gonna have sex with. i'm pretty sure i knew he was dead. he was physically weird - he made these weird movements when peeing. afterwards i went to have sex with the guy and then all these people started to come in our room - it was going to be an orgy, i didn't know that before. i didn't want that, i loathed that possibility, but i accepted it. then an old art teacher who really liked me came in and scolded us and i was glad she did. i told her i didn't want to do that and she wasn't really mad at me. she told me she was traveling the world playing games and she had some very weird hair all over her body.

it turns out, i really do feel like every time i'm preparating to have sex it's an encounter with my past.

a week ago i was talking to my therapist about how i'm not attracted to women. then she asked me if i'm attracted to men. i couldn't answer. of course she knows that i'm often sexually involved with men, but that's not the question. more and more it seems to me that i'm just not attracted to anyone. i feel a compulsion to have sex, and that better be with men - i couldn't bare revealing that nasty part of me to a woman - but that doesn't mean i'm sexually attracted to men.

on the next two days i dreamed about women i was attracted to, and on the third day i dreamed i went to an orgy (i've never been to one irl, thank god) and there was a jacuzzi filled with people (maybe there were some women) and the water was filthy and absolutely disgusting. i got in anyway and there was a tsunami and so one. after that dream i've been feeling a renewed compulsion. yesterday i met a guy down the street but i told him i had to go back quickly because i knew i would regret it as soon as i saw him, so that way i wouldn't have to go through sex with him. and it worked, we just made out and now i have to avoid him until he gives up on me.

now all the guys i thought were into me are not speaking to me anymore and that made me very upset even though i know i would regret it instantly if i met them. and then i'm having this strong desire of being penetrated which is something i know i hate and is also dangerous because of hiv and other diseases as well - my state has the biggest hiv growth among homosexual men in the country. i got fired from my job but it's ok because i have many brand new money-making stuff and i'm actually making more money than before. it just seems that i have no energy now.

as i was saying, i don't feel attracted to any of those men i'm so strongly drawn to. it's something so much more egoistic. i only think about the thing they're gonna do to me. even when i'm masturbating - which i so very seldom do nowadays and usually when i'm very sad - i don't think about erotic scenes or people or anything of the like - that never worked for me. all i have to do is pay attention to myself, and so far that's worked better than anything anyone has done for me during sex.

i just hope i can avoid this new destruction compulsion i'm getting now...

i had a brief period of happiness and not using any apps and not wanting sex with strangers, but then i forgot to take my meds once and not i'm at it again. i don't like how dependant of those meds i've become. especially because i often forget to take them lol

last week i had a brief encounter with this man i was not attracted to and i did reach orgasm but afterward i had a quite unpleasant rash on my penis. now it's gone, but my penis is frequently inflamed and that is one of the biggest things that still keep me from having sex. i think i have to get a circumcision, but i don't really want to. i'm thankful for the pain i feel sometimes because it keeps sex away. i often have mysterious injuries and pains that keep me from having sex.

i think i'm writing here because i don't know what's going on. i'm so sleepy and confused. but my external life is moving fast...