3 days, 3 different guys. only the second one gave me pleasure. after the third one (yesterday) i started coming back to reality. i woke up today EXTREMELY tired, kept tired during mass, had lunch, slept for a good 2 hours and i'm still tired. i used all my energy during my sex-seeking period. feeling remorseful and somewhat dizzy. i haven't deleted my hookup app profile yet but it's funny how i don't even consider metting anyone else even if i'm still sexually aroused. i really don't think my disorder is being taken seriously enough by my therapist. in fact, i don't think sexual addiction is taken seriously enough and i blame our culture that says that hooking up with strangers and having sex as the best thing in your life is normal. ###$ freud and all the theories that picture sexuality as the most important thing in our lives. everyone i try to tell about my addiction thinks i'm just "having trouble enjoying sex" when it's clearly not so (not that i don't have trouble enjoying sex, let it be said).

i'm starting to like my promiscuity. i met a guy today and it was made clear from the beginning that i should please him. i did that with all pleasure and almost no reciprocity. he asked me to suck his feet and i did, i never thought i'd do that - and i liked it. it was actually my favourite part, because i knew i was doing it just to please him and would do anything else he asked. i am never satisfied and as soon as i'm over with one guy i begin looking for another. i can't focus on anything else. and it's not making me suffer. i don't want to become that, yet i watch it happen as if it's not me. i feel somewhat detached from the things i am doing, even though i enjoy them. right now i would definitely be subject to being abused if someone tried it. i don't have so much to write because i can't intelectually develop anything. i just want to be abused. right now i felt that something relatively distant from my aware self wants to cry, but it's not strong enough to come to the surface. i feel it's like a diamond packed with pink shiny plastic. i hope it comes over before i do something stupid.

as i said i would do, today i went over to this guy's and it was awful... he basicaly got off using me and wouldn't even look in my face after he finished. i have no idea why i keep doing this. i am not 1% more satisfied than i was before, it was not pleasurable, and now i feel like i've degraded myself even more than i was before. it was even a bit gross, tbh. i feel much better singing songs from la la land than having sex. i don't know what this is about, but i don't do it for the pleasure. i think i'm going to talk to the father at my church about this. he asked today about how i've been practicing my religion. i basically have no one to talk about this except my therapist and i don't think she's being very helpful.

been experiencing a huge urge for the past 2 days. i'm looking for someone to have sex with literally since i woke up today. yesterday was also difficult. i installed the hook up app i used before and have been absolutely soaked in it up until the neck. i've received some proposals, but the fact that i fight myself about it has stopped me from accepting most of them and the only guy it would work with stopped responding. my left wrist hurts (probably from typing on my phone - that requires an awful hand position) and, well, i'm a musician and i can't afford unhealthy upper limbs. that pain i have never experienced before. i feel like i can't do anything until i have sex. masturbating did not work. i am obsessed with bottoming even though i have zero anal pleasure and lots of anal pain - am i trying to punish myself? i was working with someone today and i think being like that increases my ability of relating to people - but oh my, i just wanted to relate to myself. until i fall asleep i will probably not rest and tomorrow i will probably try and have sex. i hate all of this. it makes me wish more and more that i had been castrated and a child - that would give me not only a beautiful castratto voice but also cut off all my urges. would it, really? maybe is has nothing to do with male hormones...

i did not give in to my impulse of installing hook-up apps on my phone and it eventually went away, thank god - that would be REALLY destructive for me since i carry my phone with me all the time. a couple weeks ago i was watching a gay-themed humour video and they played the sound of an app i used to be a heavy user of - the psychological effect a simple beep had on me was devastating, i immediately felt euphoric, out of control and scared at the same time.

but a couple things these last days contributed to increasing my urges - shirtless guys on the street, checking old things on my message history (lots of old sex partners there) and this one video of a guy dancing. a couple hours ago i gave in and went into a sex chat room. impersonal as always - seduced some guys i had no intention of meeting, eventually found one who wanted cam sex and that was my excuse to start masturbating, eventually i realized his presence made me feel less pleasure, so i closed the chat window and finished with a relatively good orgasm - that didn't really make me feel any better than before (i actually wasn't feeling bad before entering the "sex dream" state of consciousness). i have honestly considered physical castration, but i suppose that would not be approved by the catholic church. anyway, at least i found out that there are guys who are castrated and fine out there - although for reasons very different than mine, usually to more fully enjoy their kinks. exactly now thinking about their kinks made me aroused. and i am so tired i'm practically sleeping in front of the screen. i just wanted my life to be like la la land, but outside the music nothing's beautiful in it.