i feel so lonely and at the same time i don't like anyone. i have to hide so much from the people around me. i pose as if i'm ok with being alone, but in reality i am incredibly lonely. i see all these couples and i become so envious. i'm an arrogant idiot, by the way, and i can't avoid despising everyone. how can i allow myself to love, then?

even if i could love, what chance is there that it would go somewhere? i panic when people touch me. i don't even know how to kiss. i'm becoming addicted to cyber sex. i think too much about it, i do it even when i'm not aroused and i can't seem to stop. i'm putting my daily obligations aside. i think i might be on the brink of a crisis. i almost scheduled real sex with a complete stranger, but i do it just for fun. no way i could do it without panicking. truth is, i need a god.

i don't know if there's anything a therapist can do for me. i just want to be born again.