i went over to this guy's place and he was into bdsm and stuff. i've always been really curious about it so i told him i'd go but we wouldn't necessarily have sex. he was super nice and educated, a real gentlemen. at one momen we were lying naked together and i realized i really liked that, but didn't want to have sex. he was ok with it and i went home without us having sex all the way (i let him do some stuff just to see how it went). i'm doing some thinking and although i do like being affectionate with guys and not having sex with them, i also feel that when i'm being affectionate with a stranger it doesn't feel legitimate (and it's not, indeed, since we are nothing more than strangers to each other), but that really answers something from the question "why do i continuously hook up with strangers if it makes me feel so bad?". it satisfies me in a way, but not completely, and it's not in a sexual way because sexual pleasure is not the core of the addiction. i kept looking for a sex partner after that because i wasn't really satisfied, but i wonder if there is anything that can make me satisfied. i think i'm going to a psychiatrist soon and see if there is something that can be done apart from therapy. it's time for me to give up, i can't do it alone. i need some medication.