since i last wrote i had one more relapse. after a couple times of cam sex and looking for sex online, i reinstalled the hookup app i had at much cost deleted and immediately became fixated into it. i conversated with more than 100 men in about a week or so. it seems a lot, but it's really not given that most conversations end after 3 messages or so. i had sex with a guy i knew beforehand (the only one i've ever actually felt pleasure with, even though i have no emotional attachment to him). on the next day a met a guy but we did not have full intercourse because i put us in a situation i could easily get out of if i wasn't comfortable. the two days after that i was completely hooked into scrolling through that endless grid of horny men eager to give me an awful experience. then on the third day o woke up with a sore throat - something i hadn't had since the last time i was in a serious relapse - and with a lot of pain in my thumbs, supposedly due to all the scrolling but still hurting more than it should - i've scrolled more in the past and never had any pain whatsoever. then i realized that by destroying itself my body was unconsciously attempting to stop me from going further with my self-destructive behavior. i was happy and it reminded me that something inside me is not willing to give up. i'm just finishing to block everyone now and tonight i expect to be able to delete my last hookup app account. i'll also delete my skype profile (or at least change the password into something i won't remember, if deleting it is not possible). i'm decided to put an end on all of it so i can live my life - especially since my body is giving me ever stronger signs that i won't be allowed to mantain that behavior unless i pay a very high price. i don't want to ever have sex again, i just want to be in peace...