after the last guy i wrote about i had a moment of sobriety and went back to the hook up app. i did receive some proposals but didn't meet anyone. i went looking for it the whole time, but all the people who wanted to hook up with me honestly made me want to throw up. not because they were ugly or anything, just the thought of hooking up with a stranger made me feel like that. i really attempted to genuinely feel attracted for someone (since my urge to be on the app was so huge) and almost went out with this bdsm submissive guy. then the guy from the previous post came to talk to me and i realized he was the one i wanted to meet even though the sex was not good. because he had given me affection. when i realized this i felt such great loneliness and sadness and that turned into an unbearable urge of meeting him again. i went to his place and we had sex. it was not very pleasurable again, and i spent most of the time thinking "i just wish he would stop and lie here with me". i always read that addictions are mainly caused by affection issues, but now i'm experiencing it. at the same time that it's suffering, it's good because i can name what i'm feeling and i am feeling something at least.

now, there's this female friend that i'm pretty sure is hitting on me. for my luck most people think i have no sexuality (can you believe that? lol) so i can easily walk out of it. i would try if it were another friend, but i've been betrayed by her in the past and i don't think i can trust her anymore. i even think she may be trying to check out if i actually like women. i like her, but this kind of thing really makes me consider whether i want her in my life or not.