it's been a long time since i don't write here. it's been a long time that i'm relatively well. today i stepped out of the boundaries of what i have fixed as acceptable for myself. i don't want this to become another cycle of addiction.

It's been around a year since I stopped taking my medication. I don't miss it. I don't think I am at all worse than when i was taking it. I haven't had any major mood swings anymore. i am living abroad since around 6 months ago and although i am happy to be here i feel very often unmotivated, tired, depressed, although not all the time. I have noticed also that this is dependant from my life choices. i have found that at my current level of mental stability i can actively work not to be sucked in by my negative feelings (meaning by "negative feelings" the ones that worsen my mental health and are not appropriate - for example, being sad when something sad actually happens i would not consider a "negative feeling" situation). I think this is the closest i have been to what a "normal" person feels like.

anyway, my addiction has not exactly stopped. I still spend WAY too much time on sex dating apps (although i seldom meet anyone) and masturbate not as a means of experiencing sexual pleasure, but of releasing sexual tension which i have learned to fear, with often little pleasure for myself - i used to feel pleasure by masturbating before, now i seldom do. so, the past month has been hard. I have been seeing a guy every 2-3 weeks not only for sex but mostly for sex since october, with one pause around november when i had a period of around 6 weeks with disgust by the idea of having sex. he moved to a different appartment a couple weeks ago and it's been hard to meet him, something always happens and he has to cancel. i'm not sure where we stand (in the sense of: does he still want to see me?, because i have no romantic attraction to him) but i think the lack of sexual encounters with him plus a lot of free time (vacations) led me to once again seek sex with strangers. since about a month ago i have seen strangers on 3 different ocasions. the first two were not ideal since they were strangers, but they were people who respected me and with whom i felt pleasure and whom i wanted to see again. the last occasion, from which i have just returned, involved me encountering a couple of men twice my age which i had been texting for some time. I don't know why i insist on men who are so much older than me. there is usually no connection and they clearly assume a position of power which leads me to do some things i don't want. for example, today was terrible and i didn't leave when it was just bad. one of them was clearly not happy with my presence and the other one made advances at me in ways i had clearly asked him not to. i did not find them very attractive and i wish i had had the will power to just leave, but i felt this power bigger than me pressuring me to stay. i did not do drungs although he was so vehement about it as to put a bottle of the substance under my nose and me having to remove my entire head sidewards not to sniff it. he wouldn't accept no for an answer. also, he hurt me while penetrating me (another thing which i di although i don't like it) and kept biting me after i told him it only caused me pain and absolutely no pleasure. what made me take the decision to leave was when he literally farted on my face, or even my mouth, and i'm pretty sure it's because of the damn drug because i have never had it happen to me before. i was profoundly disgusted by it (as most people would be able to relate), but i am not so upset about it as i am with the fact that i went there. anyway, i pretended my blood pressure dropped and left after doing a little drama. my roommate is not here so the loneliness makes me more prone to taking bad decisions. i feel now disgusted and ashamed, ;the latter because i feel humiliated whenever something bad happens to me. I am posting this here because i thought i had to tell someone and i didn't want to tell anyone yet. i am utterly disgusted at myself.

Oh my, hugs! I knew you'd been doing well, sorry to hear you've been struggling. I'd like to reply in depth, but I can't right now, but wanted to just let you know I had seen this. Don't be too hard on yourself, sweetie.

thanks a lot for the reply! I think something i began to learn as i got better is that not every relapse has to destroy me. in fact, it most likely won't. it makes me feel better to know that this was my new "rock bottom", since it was not nearly as destructive as some of my past experiences: it means that although i had a bad episode my "mean level" os mental health is better. i also began exercising as i believe experiencing bodily life and strengh is fundamental as to not letting my body drag me to death again. I hope you've also been doing well.

Um. Well this is your blog, not mine, so I won't whinge, but I'm struggling atm with my own little behaviours and especially anxiety, but thanks for asking.

I get what you mean, and that is very good to know, and to hear you say it- that the bar for 'rock bottom' is higher than it used to be. That's real good, glad to hear it!

I'm.. I work at a physical job (that's fixin' to get more physical), but it's very stressful for me, so it's not the same. I want to start walking daily, to help my mood and clear the mind. I think exercise will help your feeling of well-being, yes. I'm hoping to start doing that also and hope it helps me.

Hang in there. I love hearing from you, be it good or bad news. Rather it be good news, of course, but still we want to know when things aren't great, either.