first of all, i'm not answering anyone at the moment because i need to be well enough to do that.

i went again to the psychiatrist today, he gave no diagnosis (he said he doesn't like diagnosing people because it labels them) and gave me a prescription os some pills to take. i don't know their names because i left the prescription at the car where my mother is now and that will be explained later. i also went to a different doctor this time with my mother and we had somewhat of a conflict because the doctor belongs to this alternative approach that believes people's problems are caused mostly by nutritional factors. well, his ASSISTENT who happen a psychologist dared to ######6 tell me i should not take my meds because they will do me harm and that i should talk to this doctor that lives in rio de janeiro (i'm pretty far from there btw) because he could fix my problems with supplements. i couldn't care less about what she said (try spending a week inside my head, bitch), but my mother started really supporting what she said because my mother has this belief that psychiatric pills can do no good and i also think she's in denial about my mental state. i argued with her in front of the doctors and she stopped talking about it. afterwards i told her the assistent had been totaly unethical and about how i can't stand it that she wants to tell me what i should and shouldn't do about my mental health (ever since i told her i wanted to see a psychiatrist the $#%^ hit the fan and she agressively argued against psychiatric treatment and sat on the couch looking sad and worried that i am looking for psychiatric treatment (imagine what would happen if she knew about all the $#%^ i went through). she thought i was being unfair and told me i am an adult and i don't have to do what she says always and i told her to imagine how it is for me to see her like that just because i told her something. that she began crying and talking about how she had been a terrible mother and should have never been born and that all my problems stem from the things she did to me such as behaving like a whore when i was a child (i never told her that but i really thought that even as a very young child. it was a relief to know that she knows the way she behaved and that it was not all in my head). i told her again that most of my problems don't come from things she did (i already told her that a million times but she doesn't believe me). she said that instead of feeling restrained by the way she felt after hearing bad news about my mental health i should stop being so selfish and think about how she felt knowing that her son has psychiatric treatment. she dropped me at home and went out and i don't know where she is. she was really unstable and i'm just hoping she doesn't get into a car crash or something.

i feel really sorry for my mother, but this is why i keep everything i feel for myself ever since i was a very young child. she reacts so strongly to everything and then she has to be taken care of instead of being able to offer support. i don't think i can tell her anything else now. i'm just hoping she will come home unharmed and then i won't talk to her about it anymore. she can't take it, i can't take it. this last week has been mostly ruined for me. there is no one i can honestly talk about this right now and i'm probably just going to binge watch american horror story for the whole night like i've been doing for the entire week. i think i'm addicted to that. i don't know if i'm making any sense