Better day today,went ok seeing my counseller,had a good chat and sorted out a few worries. Wel they are still there bt has helped a lot- I think. I think I have to accept that there is not the right treatment available and ive got to really try to make the best of the help that I can get. Im trying really hard not to think about it to much because I know I will just make myself negative about it all again.x

I feel like I want to die! I dont no what to do with myself when I feel like this,i want to cry,shout,hurt myself bt im tryin so hard 2 do none of the above.I dont want to feel like this inside,i want it to go...to be gone. How come,jst from seein her today has taken me backwards so much. I knew it was going to though. I hate this so much,i hate this part of me! I want it to die...but it never will. Nobody will ever love me in the way I need and crave so much,thats meant to be from your mum..or dad, no one else is gona want to ever giv me that love I dnt know why I hurt myself so bad wantin people to. There no way in this world im never truly gona b happy inside. I seriously wish I could die...but stil b here for my son, bt that not possible. I dont no how to get this sadness from out of me! I really dnt no what to do to get rid of it! Just leave me alone...please:'( :'(

Its only now i am learning to understand bpd that there so many things im noticing about myself...actually shut up trac, youve always been like this, and you know it. Anyway, blah blah....

im going to a fun day today with my little boy...should be a nice day, nice weather, lots of his friends there, so will be nice to catch up with some of the other mums....even though no matter who im talking to i always inside feel alone...pathetic!!! But the main thing im worrying about it seeing someone that i was emotionally insecurely attached to, they distanced themselves in the end and ive tried so so hard to stop all contact. i get why they did it (job) but i cant really make me belief that this is the only reason (think she dislikes me -i know this just my parania - i think and i try telling myself that it all in my head..but i cant)....

The thing is i know seeing her today is gonna bring up so many different emotions and feelings and thoughts...i know i will immediatly become this lil girl in my head again...want her to care for me etc etc....

I just dont know how to be around her, i can feel in my head all these different 'me's' that im deciding which one to be while im around her, the confident, pretend nothing wrong me, act crazy me but inside im crying because i feel so alone and abandonned...or shall i be the quite, something's wrong but im not going to tell you me....another me is telling me i should have a couple of drinks before I go so i can feel confident.

Why is it that something so normal like taking my little boy to a fun day has to be turned into some major event where it brings up so many dtuped emotions??? Dont get it!!

Wel,yesterday I was clearing out some stuff and came across my old EMPTY credit card.yesterday I decided 2 chuck it... But 2day I had a great thought! Shopping!! Wel,it expires in august,it wud b rude nt 2,haha. Yipee!!!! There so many things I wana get,nt realy sure what though ha,bt wana gt lots. Me and my lil boy gona go in coz I jst cnt go shopping on my own,i gt 2 paranoid,like people watching me,i hate it.bye!x

Feeling really rubbish right now,like I just want to cry! But I wont! Dont know exactly what triggered me, thinking lots of things but cant keep track of them. Also listening to alanis morisette- its bringing bck emotions from years ago(havent listened to it in a while), cant really remember memories but I just know that I felt really bad! :'( I know I should just turn it off but something just wont let me. Maybe it that whole attachment to the whole flipping stupid rubbish disorder. Arghhhh:@ I hate u BPD so arghhhh much, but at the same time why am I keeping u here. I dont get it,it makes me so sad,so angry,so pathetic. I hate me sometimes so much!!!