They make me sooooo angry i cant even believe it, it physically and mentally impossible for me to keep calm around them, i try so hard but its like they play around with the switch and its like their in control of me, not me. Second by second by second its like i can feel all these things that ive been trying to deal with and think about lately, the things my family did and the things my family didnt do whilst i was growing up. All these things they are quite oblivious to and so i try so hard to keep all this that ive been thinking about from coming out of my both, but it just reaches a point where it just explodes from within. He can be so nasty and mean and he is such a bully to me, he may have bullied me for the whole time i grew up but this shouldnt still be happening, alright it might not be in all the same ways, but still, just fxxk off and just leave me alone. They all made me the way i am and they have no fxxking idea, none!! I am just looked upon as the daughter or the sister who gets angry, they dont get it...i have to try really really hard, even more now not to let them know how much they hurt me growing up and how much i have always felt so alone because they chose not to protect me either. I dont ever want a conversation about it with any of them...i know i crave love, support and affection....but there seriously no way i ever want this from any them. I will never be able to ever get accross to them any of how i feel because i can see it now...it wasnt like that tracey, your memory must be wrong, we were always there for you, we love you....well love means alot. it doesnt just mean one thing...love is meant to mean caring for someones emotional needs and well being as well, well that where you failed on me them isnt it....obviously coz of how messed up my brain often feels....especially right now. i wanna punch something, me or a wall i dont fxxking care to be honest, or i wanna cut myself...or i just wanna get really fxxking drunk....but at the same time im trying so hard to acknoledge that this is just a trigger and i can turn back from this....................................well i dont know if i want to...i dont want to just sit here twiddling my thumbs trying to get this feeling away, i want to get rid of these feelings...these ways are the only ways i know how...

Mybe i should move, just one day, me and my lil boyjust leave...im never gonna be happy having to see them all the time, pretending or actually believing they are all so fxxking perfect and innocent and it must all be tracey.