Du know i really am finding these blogs quite helpful in tracking some of my thoughts; even if only a few of them.

I just went to turn my light off to go to bed and i spotted a picture of my nan and grampy - i find it really sad that i dont really have any memories of them i think i was around 9 when they died and it makes me so upset that even at age 9 i barely have any real memories of pretty much anything. Its like most of my life is one big blur and that i am only the person i am now at this moment in time, its like past me's are not the me now because i dont remember being any of them and im sure that future me's wont remember present me either, which again i find really sad and a little bit confusing as well!!

Anyway ive sidetracked - surprise surprise ha! So i seen the picture and all of a sudden this massive wave of guilt rushed over me and it was like i could see in their faces that they believe that i am talking about my mum negatively and how i am going to end up hurting her if all that i feel comes out and how im wrong for how im feeling ...and now im starting to feel that what if everything has all been in my head, if my memory is this bad how do i really know if what i know is even real I hate not having a proper memory sooooo much, its like im always trying to piece together this puzzle but no matter how hard i try i can never figure it out because that puzzle is life and life doesnt stop and the more life goes on i have more lost memories to try and find and piece together. I know i dont need to figure out all this stuff but my mind wont let me stop trying to remember my life....I WANT TO REMEMBER MY LIFE THOUGH...i really do...or maybe im better of not remembering because i know that most of the time inside of me always felt sad.

Now i just feel guilt...and sadness and almost like a sadness for the other me's because no one remembers or cared for them, not even me i think that sounds pretty wierd!!!