I feel anxious...heart beating fast, stomach is full of worry, cant focus to do anything

I dont know why...i am angry at myself for cutting yesterday!!!! I am more angry with myself that i feel the need to tell my friend what i did...i feel like a child, i feel like why do i need to tell her..for attention??

I also have appointment with my consellor later and maybe im worried about that..its onlybeen 2 weeks but feels like havent seen him for a month...cant even remember what we last spoke about..i dont know what im meant to talk about this week??!!!

It prob doesnt help that i had a lil smoke just now also...it doesnt help me when i already feel anxious...

feel like i wanna get drunk...dont know why??? im not sad or depressed right now...so why???? had a couple of drinks but not drunk...cant get drunk because my lil boy coming home in 4 hours.....but soooooooo want to!!!!

ok, so ive kind of had it in my head that i try and hold on to negative emotions so that at least im in control of what im feeling...i didnt think i did it with positive emotions...but i do

Thank makes me feel better knowing this...coz i thought i was keeping myself unwell when i feel unwell, and that makes me really mad with myself...but i dont...well i do, but know i know that this also goes for positive feelings...

Yey, now i can see that i dont WANT to feel bad, it just i need to feel stong emotions...to make me feel existable.

""It funny how things seem to feel like they will be easier the next time a situation comes up when you hear that you got that support backing you to work hard at not reacting. thank u moomin.xxx""



Well this was a load of $#%^ that i said....so pissed off with myself...literally an hour after i wrote this...guess what happened???? rage did!....the person i share my house with said one thing to me that was was said in not a nice tone...but its like until she could see that what she said was wrong (which it was) i just couldnt drop it...it like i have to be understood...i was keeping calm then all of a sudden...BANG!! i was mad!!...my head was hot, my cheeks went red, i was shaking with anger...i think i was very close to putting my arm threw a glass door in anger...or even my head...i must have still had control as after my rage (or in the middle of it) i slammed the door instead and then took myself off to my room to calm down...then, 10 mins after she says she knows she caused all that...well too late when ive kicked off like a fcking idiot again....i couldnt talk to her them coz i would have got so mad again....i always manage to do this...something that originally not me ends up looking like me coz of the way i react....IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT.....

Right, time to try again.x

is feeling ok!! mmmm, feels wierd.