This happened a few years ago, but it still affects me and its been on my mind again lately, so I figured I'd write it down. I've been using this blog way too much lately, but I feel like it helps me get my head in order and put things out into the world that I could never say aloud and I guess thats what its there for.

One morning my colleague didn't come to work. We tried his cell a few times with no luck. In the afternoon I get a call back from him saying that he needs to go to the hospital. I go to his place and he's stabbed himself twice in the chest with a kitchen knife. There was a lot of blood and it was pulsing out of him. I got an ambulance there and called his girlfriend and we all went to the hospital. We took the knife with in case they needed to see how deep it had gone. He was okay.

I still dont know why he called me and not his girlfriend. He used to have a thing for me, but I don't understand because I'm a cold person and I push people away. Hence me calling him my colleague, not my friend.

There was a lot of guilt. He had been having troubles with his girlfriend and his family and I had known most of it. My part in it was that the day before he had come to me for advice on how to move money. He had some deal that he was doing on the side and it was illegal. I was busy and stressed out and I basically told him that I didn't care how he did it, so long as it didn't reflect on my books or in the business accounts. Something went wrong with the deal and he thought he was responsible for losing a large sum of money. I guess that was the final straw.

He had come to me for help, he had reached out, and I had told him not to make his headache mine.
The imagery and the blood has stuck with me.

and deflate and empty and flatten...

So much for that. What, was I expecting it to last? Really now pix...

So convinced that I could keep my emotions well in check, my expectations managed, my reactions controlled. Was NOT going to set myself up for a fall. Arrogant and over-confident

Was nice to be able to say that I'm good and have it be genuine for a change. But turns out it was fluff, smoke, insubstantial and fleeting

"...and all the colours mix together to grey..." etcetera

Strangely good... BIZARRELY good...

The cynical part of me keeps asking what price I'll have to pay for having such a good day. That I must be imagining it or on drugs. Except I'm not.

I kept expecting it to all come crashing down around me. Except it didn't.

Some minor setbacks. Things that I would have reacted to differently any other time. But nothing that threw me for a loop today.

Had breakfast this morning. (Unusual for me.)
Was even planning to go get lunch, but ended up getting too busy and then forgetting about it.
I didn't weigh myself this morning. (Can anyone say body issues...)
I dressed up for work.
Wore makeup even.
Was on time for a change.
Was productive and knocked back a few things I'd been wholeheartedly avoiding.

Hmmm...

I was asked to join as an executive member of this industry group thing.

I was a bit hesitant at first... Trying to figure out why me...
The chairman is young, successful, driven, outspoken... Intimidating... The rest are something of an Old Boys club, each one having been at this game for at least as long as I've been alive.
I'm pretty much the youngest female in my position in this male dominated industry. So it begs the question - why me?
Perhaps they're looking for a yes-man. A pushover. That's a negative outlook.
Perhaps they're just looking for some fresh blood. A new perspective... That may be overly optimistic.
We'll see...

I'm still pretty suspicious... But perhaps... just MAYBE... good days like this are not unachievable for me.
Trying not to put too much presssure on it or get my hopes up too high, but I wonder what tomorrow will be like...

I'm not that great with sex. Things have a tendency to get too intense for me and so I tense up, and that makes penetration painful. And so we stop and the boyfried is left frustrated and I feel like an asshole. A tease. Useless.

And so I've started giving up before we start and not letting him near me because I don't want to have to face the disappointment in his eyes. As much as he tries to hide it.

It wasn't always like this. We've had great sex before that was all pleasure, no stress. Wish I knew what changed.

I have been saying no to his advances more often lately. Getting him to stop. He wants me and is getting frustrated. Don't know how he hasn't left me for someone who'll actually have sex with him. He says sex is not that important, but it is.

I'm especially keeping him at arms length at the moment because of my current frame of mind. I don't want to use him as an unwitting accessory to my self destruction. I've done it before when in this head space. I get him to be rough and to bite my neck and shoulders way beyond the point of being erotic. Til I'm bruised and bleeding and have to hide the marks from him afterwards. I push him to it, there's no sense letting him feel bad about it.

He's getting more into it. My guess is the frustration. Scared me once or twice when he put his hand or belt around my throat without me initiating it. I played along but was not comfortable. Kinda selfish to introduce him to this and then only do it when I want it. He's normally very gentle and will stop anytime I ask.

I hate myself for being this way.

My neighbours have incredibly loud sex. Or they like porn and have an amazing sound system. Either way the walls are too thin.

I'm temped to leave them a note: "It sounds like you have a great sex life. Be kind to your neighbours - invest in a gag"

That would be a terrible thing to do.

I can't help blushing.