This happened a few years ago, but it still affects me and its been on my mind again lately, so I figured I'd write it down. I've been using this blog way too much lately, but I feel like it helps me get my head in order and put things out into the world that I could never say aloud and I guess thats what its there for.

One morning my colleague didn't come to work. We tried his cell a few times with no luck. In the afternoon I get a call back from him saying that he needs to go to the hospital. I go to his place and he's stabbed himself twice in the chest with a kitchen knife. There was a lot of blood and it was pulsing out of him. I got an ambulance there and called his girlfriend and we all went to the hospital. We took the knife with in case they needed to see how deep it had gone. He was okay.

I still dont know why he called me and not his girlfriend. He used to have a thing for me, but I don't understand because I'm a cold person and I push people away. Hence me calling him my colleague, not my friend.

There was a lot of guilt. He had been having troubles with his girlfriend and his family and I had known most of it. My part in it was that the day before he had come to me for advice on how to move money. He had some deal that he was doing on the side and it was illegal. I was busy and stressed out and I basically told him that I didn't care how he did it, so long as it didn't reflect on my books or in the business accounts. Something went wrong with the deal and he thought he was responsible for losing a large sum of money. I guess that was the final straw.

He had come to me for help, he had reached out, and I had told him not to make his headache mine.
The imagery and the blood has stuck with me.

There is no "too much" when it comes to blogging. This IS what it's there for.

And. If I were him. I would phone someone who would deal with the situation. Without freaking out. "Cold" people tend to be good like that. It's something I see as an asset in myself. It has nothing to do with my emotional depth or [lack of] caring.

Gentle hugs to you. It's so hard to be made temporarily responsible for someone else like that. When it's actually all down to their choices. And nothing to do with you. So unfair.

That's an interesting perspective:) Can't say I didn't freak out, just sort of left that bit for later. Pretty much my standard response in a crisis.
I guess it is unfair, but better that he called right?

Don't know I would... Who am I kidding. Ofc I would feel guilty. It's what I do. But if that guy was asking you to become complicit in something that could have endangered your own position I think it's natural to be reluctant. Just saying.

Thanks Snaga, I get what you're trying to say. But, um, the side deal involved my boss too, so my job would have been just fine. But the company is audited and very strictly monitored and I would be the one that would have to come up with explanations to any questions that our regulators came back with and tbh I just didn't want that headache.

And if it were me.... they'd know not to come to me cause I'd have a hard time lying, lol