I'm not that great with sex. Things have a tendency to get too intense for me and so I tense up, and that makes penetration painful. And so we stop and the boyfried is left frustrated and I feel like an asshole. A tease. Useless.

And so I've started giving up before we start and not letting him near me because I don't want to have to face the disappointment in his eyes. As much as he tries to hide it.

It wasn't always like this. We've had great sex before that was all pleasure, no stress. Wish I knew what changed.

I have been saying no to his advances more often lately. Getting him to stop. He wants me and is getting frustrated. Don't know how he hasn't left me for someone who'll actually have sex with him. He says sex is not that important, but it is.

I'm especially keeping him at arms length at the moment because of my current frame of mind. I don't want to use him as an unwitting accessory to my self destruction. I've done it before when in this head space. I get him to be rough and to bite my neck and shoulders way beyond the point of being erotic. Til I'm bruised and bleeding and have to hide the marks from him afterwards. I push him to it, there's no sense letting him feel bad about it.

He's getting more into it. My guess is the frustration. Scared me once or twice when he put his hand or belt around my throat without me initiating it. I played along but was not comfortable. Kinda selfish to introduce him to this and then only do it when I want it. He's normally very gentle and will stop anytime I ask.

I hate myself for being this way.

Interesting, I also want my neck and shoulders bitten, hard! Tho I've never bled. Thick skin. I've never thought about it in a SH light, however.