And now my ear is angry and sore. Ugh. Had them 3 weeks now and they were healing nicely, but I knocked them while tying my hair up. Ouchies.
Funny how I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to unexpected pain.

Lately I have been better with the pills thing. Behave behave...

Had a bit of a moment with the cutting, but nothing since then. Bad urges yesterday though while watching series. I don't mind blood or gore per se, but some scenes just catch you off guard.

The eating thing is still a bit of an issue. I don't really know what to do about it. I've come to realize that I don't really mind looking at myself in a mirror. In the mirror I can recognize that I'm thin enough dammit. But looking directly at myself, say in the shower, is not good. Never good. Always feel fat. The discrepancy is concerning. Maybe I just have really flattering mirrors but I doubt it. Think I need to get my eyes tested.

Had 3 or 4 hours sleep the past two nights. Then waking up is a serious pain. Best sleep I got was between my alarm going off and an hour later... But at least I made it to my meeting on time today.

And its too damn cold lately.

Everyone around us is getting married. And that's great for them really, I couldn't be happier for most of them, but then as always the usual silent question thickens the air... whens our turn?

7 years is a long time to date someone. I know. And the darling boyfriend wants to. Again I know. But its not gonna happen. He knows this. At least I think he does. I've said it so many times from the start. I've been very clear. I'm worried that he's still hopeful though. With all this marriage in the air, he's made some off-hand comments that are concerning. He's going to get hurt. And it'll be my fault.

So why is it a no to marriage?
The simple answer is that it's a promise I don't think I can fulfill. And I hate breaking promises. HATE it. Its a big thing with me. I love him, but I cannot grow old with him. And then there's other things, like he wants kids. And he should have them, he's great with kids, they adore him. But I don't want children. Too many things can go wrong. I can't stand the prospect of stuffing up a little human life. And well, pushing one out between my legs is not my idea of a picnic. And breastfeeding is straight out of a nightmare. There are other ways to do these things, I know, but then you still have a child on your hands. And sure, they're cute, but they're also gross little things. Sticky and smelly and so incredibly fragile. Dear god I would be an overbearing parent. I would disinfect everything, including the child as much as possible, and probably bubble wrap it too. And I don't think that would be the best for a child, even if we don't touch on the fact that I'm a bit of a mess.

The result is that I end up feeling like I'm stealing parts of the dear boyfriends life. Denying him these things. Denying him a normal life, and the normal things that normal people want. Peope are moving on with their lives and I'm keeping his in stasis. And my conclusion is always the same. I need to end things with him. Detangle myself from his life. I'm a bad influence again, an infection thats stunting his growth. One that will leave him scarred. Surely he must realise this.

But I'm a coward. Too scared to leave him because without him I have nothing. And he avoids problems as much as possible. And so we maintain the status quo. And of course this could all just be in my head.

Anyway, the boyfriend has been VERY interested this weekend. This is a good case of murphy's law coming to bite me in the ass because on Friday I messed up and ended up cutting more than I have in a long time. And not my usual 1 or 2 everywhere easily explained type. Well thats how it started but then I couldn't stop and reverted to old very obvious habits. And so I cant let him near me for a while. Which sucks because I've also been interested. Self sabotage?

I'm going to be late for work again

Right, so its the silly hour again and my brain is in overdrive. May as well write.

The boyfriend wants a house. I have been resisting the idea because it means putting down more roots. And it makes my exit strategy messy. And apparently, even with our combined salaries, we're too poor to get a loan for anything decent from the bank. So the alternative would mean me taking a loan from my boss as he'll likely give me affordable repayment terms etc. Well if he agrees.
Obviously I want to make the darling boyfriend happy, so I've been trying to come up with a workable solution.
We can't take the loan on his name because my boss simply doesn't like him, but I shouldn't take it just on mine because he must be left with the house without us having to go through transfer and all those fun things.
So far what I've got is to form a trust and have it take the loan and buy the house. That way, when I go, the boyfriend will just have to continue with the repayments and I can make the excuse that I never really wanted it anyway. Still abit messy ito if he ever wants to sell.
Unless the trust can be set up in such a way that one person can make these decisions. Alternatively, we get a third trustee and have any two to sign arrangements. That might have potential, but clearly I need to speak to someone knowledgeable about these things as I could just be speaking out my butthole here.

Next, there has been talk of me setting up a company with one of my colleagues and buying 1 or 2 existing small businesses with the help of the company I work for. Same industry, so known territory, just on our name. My boss has already approved the concept and will give us the financial backing we need. Until we got his support it was all just pipe dreams and I was just kind of going with the flow, not getting too hung up on it. He could have said no. But now its more concrete and I seem to be getting myself more and more entangled into this whole thing.
I should be excited, any normal person would be, but I'm not at all. Feels more like I'm being backed into a corner and that I don't really have a choice. And funny enough, if I'm gonna ask for that home loan then in truth I really don't have a choice about this. Makes the whole disappearing thing more complicated. And its a lot of debt. Of course, there is the potential to make some good money once the loan is paid off, and it may be a long time before I feel I need to go, but I'm still apprehensive.
I could just pull out of the company at that point, but if it works it would be such a waste as ideally it would be almost passive income. Or perhaps I would want my family to benefit, but again that's messy so its probably not going to happen. And as with anything of this nature there's risk involved. I need to put some more thought into this.
So far the best course seems to be before I go to make my excuses and pull out. Maybe find them another partner at that point. I'll piss off some people, but its probably better that way.

I don't know. All of this seems like its part of somebody else's life and I'm just going along with it.

Well I'm feeling hateful, so here's a rant.

I hate my boobs. I hate how they jiggle when I do anything more than walk. It hurts too. I hate how the look when I lay on my side. I hate how I have to remember to dry under them when I get out the shower. I hate bras too. I hate how its not socially acceptable to not wear bras. I hate how I have to have 2 different sizes of bras because my boobs get bigger the closer I am to my period. I hate how they hurt the closer I get to my period. I hate how men look at boobs. I hate feeling objectified and studied by men because I have boobs.
Yes oh the arrogance...

I started developing quite young. In primary school a friend's dad once held/rubbed my shoulders and made some sort of comment about my sudden development, and I remember have a disgusting feeling. I hate that I had to feel that way. Sick asshole.

I hate the fact that I have boobs despite the fact that they will never serve any other purpose than to attract men and give me grief. I do not intend to have kids and even if by some change of heart I do end up with them, I do not think I could ever breastfeed. It creeps me out frankly.
I hate how it feels to hug someone with big boobs. Squishy and awkward. I have sometimes wondered about my sexuality but I think big boobs would be a deal breaker. Turns out I hate other people's boobs too.
Now I'm hateful and arrogant...

I had a colleague once who always had her shirt buttoned low to have her bra showing, pushup bra and boobs in your face. Guys loved it and fell over themselves to help her. It made me sick. And angry. I feel like it spits in the face of so many women who work hard to be taken seriously in the workplace. How she got away with dressing that way to work is a wonder. But then again my office attire is typically jeans and sneakers.
So now I look jealous, hateful and arrogant all in one post.

Get over youself pixi. Just because you're not comfortable with your boobs doesn't mean others aren't allowed to be with theirs.

Rant over.

I'm sick of the world telling me I'm not thin enough, toned enough, tanned enough. That I must get married and have kids. And bake. And style my hair this way and do my makeup that way. That I've been blow drying my hair wrong all my life. And that I'll find all the secrets that no one told me in the pages of a magazine. Or some online post. Try this trend now, do that detox next. Wear this. Go gluten free. All the things I can apparently do with coconut oil.
That I'm not unique enough to be well rounded or normal. I am just not enough for this world.
Do other girls really do all this crap? Is it the same for guys? Where do they find the time? And clearly my definition of lazy is different to that of the person who wrote '12 lazy-girl hairstyles'. Or some other such post that gets people spending hours on that out of bed look. I can't keep up.
Perhaps its that my perception is off. Or perhaps the world has just gone nuts and no one told me. I must have missed that magazine issue too.
Excuse the randomness.