I don't even know how to start this. I just felt the need to write...to let this out of me and hopefully heal a little.

I was questioned recently what had been done to me to be this way. To have absolutely no self esteem, no confidence.

I wasn't able to answer then, and not very much right now.
I'm not sure.
Maybe it was a process, maybe it was some memory long ago that I've erased.
Truth is I'm not able to recall much from my childhood.
Maybe it's just my chemistry.

I just remember always feeling ugly and not worth talking to.
I've always felt like I'm not worth loving.
Like I'm not worth the try.

So when someone like him comes and tells me I mean the world to him.
What do I think?
He must be kidding, he's just playing with me.
I just can't control those thoughts.
Even as I'm writing, I kept hearing those words.
Why? What do you have to give for him?

And when we are together I can see that he means it.
That all he says is true.
That the words come from his heart, when he feels them.
I can see devotion in his eyes,
I can feel him caring in his hugs.
I feel safe and loved.
Protected and somehow free to be myself.
Whether that myself is willing to laugh, make love or cry.
He accepts me.
He knows me.

but when he's gone.
I can feel those whispers.
Asking me to question his sincerity.

Can't stop it.
I guess I like to hurt myself.
Both Physically and mentally.

Is this all I will be?
Can I change it?
Am I willing to change it?