Well today was the first time in my life that I went to a shrink. At first I was scared, I did not know what to think. I was nervous and scared.

I think a lot of us who had never been to a dr like this, have the same conception about them. The dr sitting and writing and you talking, lying down on a couch, classic movie cliche.

Well, he did have couches, but the normal ones. His office is like a normal living room, and the couches are very comfortable. It was a really nice place with a huge window and a lot of space.

He is an old man, probably around 50 yo. There's something weird with his eyes, couldn't figure out whether he had one fake eye or just...well i don't know. he has a deep voice and talks not slow but slower that what I'm used to. Can't really know how he or the place smells, I have a cold so i don't really know (I can smell a lot better than normal people and that's something very important to me).

He said that he knew how difficult it was to trust a stranger with my life and my problems, and he assured me that no one was able to read his files. He has no assistant so that's good. i really don't care anymore if someone finds out, so what if they do?

Then he asked why i had gone, i told him that i wanted to see a dr for a long time , but had never done it until now that i can pay for it. truth is I never wanted to tell my parents how f***ed up I am, 'cause if life has been difficult with them, saying that would only make it harder. So i told him about my earliest memory of weirdness.

When i was about 11 - 12 years old I was feeling really sad. I used to wake up in the morning and not want to go to school, I constantly felt like crying, because i felt sad. I also remember being afraid of my mother dying. She is sick, so I used to wake up in the morning and check if she was still breathing. and whenever i made her mad at first i felt angry and them scared and guilty for making her feel bad. with her it has always been that way.

i also told him how much has my father hurt me. He is an alcoholic, he has never laid a hand on me but he has always make sure to let me know how much of a failure i am. He tells me I'm not capable, he says my major is not good, that my studies were for nothing because the field is in constant evolution. that my english is not good, that i have to learn, that i shouldn't be an employee.....well, to make it short. I've never been good enough for him, non of my ideas are good, non of my efforts are worth taking a look at.

he is like that with all of us, he's always right. all his ideas are the correct ones and if he said it then it's true....well, he also has a good side, don't get me wrong. He is a loving father, despite it all, that has always provided for us. Bad thing is that sometimes i would give up for all that he has given to me just to hear him say he's proud of what i've accomplished.

the shrink made me picture all those bad moments....and it hurt, can't say it didn't, all those bad things that have pained me were there, he told me to give them a color. at first i was like what? but then, despite myself i did saw a color. Red/pinkish. and he told me to name all the feelings. Rage, anger, helplessness, loneliness, fear, sadness, death, pain, feeling of hurting, revenge, bitterness....well, a lot o bad things, and screams. whenever i feel like falling down, like there's nothing left, all i hear in my head is screams. i feel like i want to scream until my throat bleeds. screams crowd my thoughts sometimes...

then I pictured who and what i wanted to be. white. peace, tranquility. QUIET. quiet is the most important for me. no more negative thoughts, no more screams, no more lies, just, quiet. i want to be loved for who i am, not how i look like. I want to feel successful 'cause i am. i want to feel accepted!

crazy thing here is that i did saw those colors. it was really strange. i was thinking how could this help, but it has, even know as i write this down, i do see white, i close my eyes and see white. i want that, i really do.

i want to stop hurting myself, both physically and mentally, 'cause only god knows how much pain i've inflicted in myself. mostly mentally. i've been harsh, mean with myself for so long that it's all i know now. but white is hope....like my cross....i'll tell him about that next time.

i did tell him that i would go back. i'm ready to heal, and right now i'm feeling like there's still hope. i believe i can mend my mind and fix all that's wrong in me. i want to move on.

I want to to be free from my bad self.