IT's been quite a while.
I'm falling again into numbness. My life has no meaning or true purpose.
I've been trying so hard to stay upfloat. I've been keeping busy with a proyect at school and several other art proyects that just for a little time take my mind off of the pain.
But today is one of those days that I feel like I can't keep up.
I can't live knowing that my boyfriend is most likely still cheating. I don't want to look, 'cause here there's a saying "the one who seeks, finds" I'm not sure if that is known everywhere but yeah..that's my main reason.
The thing is that from the first time I sortof started to "train" myself to care less and less about him. I'm forcing myself to stop loving him. It has worked to be honest. When we have fight I used to cry my eyes out, now I shed a few tear and say ###$ it! he's not worth it.
So why do I stay with him? I don't know exactly, I may be a masochist as he lately pointed out. There's just something still pulling me to him.
When we are okay life is pretty easy. He is loving and caring, but when he gets angry....well....hel gets loose. He is hurtful on purpose.
I just keep wishing to have the strenght to get to the last line of this story.
I'm in a different mind set now. I DO deserve love, BETTER even if that sound mean or egotistical. I know I'm not perfect and I never will, but I do deserve to be loved.
I'm sorry that this whole blog of mine gets repetitive but it's like therapy to me.
Can't talk like this with anyone irl so i let this out to the world...half anonimously.
Thank you if you've read, even if you don't comment.
for the rest of the day I'll keep struggling to carry on. I don't have to give up yet. Hope you, if you are in the same or a darker place, do that too.